I Decided to Let You Go - Chapter 70

The only day to reveal each other’s true hearts approached.

The Empire’s Victory Day.

The day when the noisy ducal house grows quiet, the day when servants loyal to the family all turn away from the two people at once.

As if yesterday’s bright day was a fleeting dream, Natasha’s bedroom was once again engulfed in darkness. She lay alone on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.

‘Are you waiting for that man?’

A voice she had never heard before suddenly emerged, attempting to converse with her.

It was like a new life form born from consuming anguish. Neither Cayena’s nor her family’s voice, it somehow felt familiar.

‘You’re so reckless! How can you rely on the man who killed you today? Of all days! How can you invite that man into your bedroom!’

Not a single word was wrong.

She was ignoring the man’s crimes. On the day when the enemy’s evil deeds were most clearly revealed, she was relying on him.

“Stop it, he’s… he’s a different person…”

She squeezed her eyes shut and muttered.

The voice clearly hadn’t appeared since that day. It was because she had temporarily covered up her guilt.

But why was the voice that had been quiet now rushing in to torment her again? Did the change in her feelings after starting to rely on Sieghart after parting with Cayena affect the voice?

‘To judge him as different based on such trivial things, what pathetic blood. Can you call that man “different” just because he’s being kind to you?’

The voice countered that even her excuse was laughable. This too was not wrong.

The man who acted as if he had confessed everything to her was still shrouded in secrecy.

He put forth the flimsy pretext of protecting her, but who knows. He might be appeasing Natasha with pleasant lies, just like in her previous life.

“But, at least he didn’t treat me as coldly as the man from my past life. Isn’t that… isn’t that enough?”

The voice sneered at her indignant retort. Kik kik, kik kik! Kik kik kik kik…! Even a bug crawling by one’s ear wouldn’t make such an eerie and terrible sound.

‘Well, he is different. But that doesn’t mean his past has changed too. How can you try to embrace even that past?’

The voice came full circle, back to where it started.

Boldly displaying the reason why Natasha shouldn’t keep Sieghart by her side.

“…I never embraced it.”

‘The act of allowing the man to be by your side on a day like today is itself a sign of forgiveness.’

“That’s simply to drive you all away…!”

‘It’s strange how the voice disappears completely whenever you touch Sieghart. We, no, I can’t disappear!’

The wind carrying the voice passed through her ears.

Only then did Natasha realize that the changed voice was mimicking her own.

It was the Natasha Asthart of the past. The Natasha Asthart of her first life, dying while bitterly resenting Sieghart…

“No, no, no…”

‘Have you forgotten everything? Or is it self-justification? He killed me and even killed my family, but now you think it doesn’t matter because he’s changed?’

“Stop… stop it…!”

‘What will you retort with this time? Are you going to spout nonsense like he had no choice because he was the emperor’s dog?’

The voice mocked and rebuked the defensive Natasha. Suddenly confronted with the facts she had been ignoring, Natasha writhed in agony.

She knew. She knew. But…

“I… I need to have a place to breathe too! No matter what that man’s past was like, whether he’s essentially the same as the man from my past life or not, if I need him, I can keep him by my side…!”

This was the only corner where she could live now.

Whatever trick Sieghart had used, he had now become her only support.

Though she knew that man was poison to her, Natasha was willing to consume it.

‘You’ve even resorted to self-brainwashing!’

The voice continued to speak to her throughout the dawn. The story that traced back to the distant past gradually connected to today. It pointed out Natasha’s terrible selfishness.

Even if she covered her ears and closed her eyes, the cries were endless.

Natasha knew. That to end this yoke, she needed contact with the man.

‘Will you sleep in my room tomorrow? I sleep better when you’re beside me.’

Yes, if it’s that man… If it’s you, please…

‘That man won’t come. Remember when you needed him most? He has always turned away from your pain. Today will be no different. Sieghart, that terrible man, won’t appear.’

It knew Natasha’s weaknesses best.

As the voice describing the past reached her eardrums, her heart felt like it would burst.

Sieghart, Sieghart, Sieghart!

Her delicate lips repeatedly murmured the man’s name.

And finally, the door opened and the man approached her.

“Tisha!”

The man’s large hand grasped Natasha’s shoulder. The voice that had seemed like it would continue all day vanished with Sieghart’s appearance.

As she failed to properly recognize him, having lost her senses and still flailing, he then confined her in his arms.

In the wide and warm embrace, Natasha kept muttering.

I hear strange sounds, Sieghart. Ah, but now they seem to be gone… She herself didn’t seem to know what she was saying, repeating the same words over and over.

“…Save me.”

Then she instinctively cried out new words.

Her own voice pierced her ears vividly. This was clearly the voice of Natasha Asthart herself.

But it kept feeling like that voice, and it was agonizing. The alien voice echoing in her mind lingered.

“Save me, Sieghart. Save me. Save me… Save me, save me, save me…!”

I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to hear it. Even though it’s my voice, I don’t want to hear it!

Afterwards, Natasha continued to cry out for salvation. Though that voice had clearly disappeared, its remnants remained, rolling around. It felt like bugs crawling on her head.

“Ah, ah…”

Natasha kept groaning as if in pain. The agony made proper thought impossible.

In the moment her reason snapped, her mouth moved on its own, tearing into the person before her.

“Why, why do you keep hiding things from me?”

Blaming the other for the reality of her pain.

“Sieghart, I try to trust you but I can’t help but hesitate… Why, why are you hiding things from me? What are you planning to do to me? Why, why…?”

But truly, all of this is because of that man.

Because this man killed my family.

Because this man is hiding something from me.

Because this man is being kind to me.

Because this man cruelly abandoned me…

Is this man really not that Sieghart Asthart from my past life?

Although he has the same shell and the same crimes, can he be seen as a different person because his attitude is different? Can I trust him because the path we’ve walked together is different?

This man…

Who is this man?

Natasha couldn’t tell. She couldn’t be sure. It felt like she was just going along with what that voice said.

“Who are you…?”

“…”

“Why, why do you make me so confused, why…?”

Is this man a different person from that man?

Or is he someone I can fully trust?

Why am I relying on this man without realizing it?

Because you’re stupid!

The non-existent voice rang out again. Following that, she had a seizure.

“Natasha!”

Sieghart shouted. With a voice full of anguish, like those shouting at her.

“I will never abandon you, I swear. There’s only one reason I so desperately want this marriage. Natasha Asthart, it’s to keep you by my side…”

The man seemed ready to offer even his heart for the oath. His hand holding Natasha sank inward as if it would crumple.

To keep me by your side…

How trustworthy that sounds. Yet it’s no different from what the Sieghart of her past life used to say.

But, but…

“But, Sieghart. They say no…”

“…”

“My family says I should never trust you. No, no, my past self says I shouldn’t trust you…”

She still didn’t know what she was crying out. The secrets she had been carefully keeping were leaking out without her knowledge.

“Do, do you ever have this? Something I’ve been hearing since long ago, but it becomes clearer on this day. Today I can even hear my own voice?”

“…”

“Ah, the emperor must have planted something strange in me… That must be it, there’s no other explanation. No other explanation, no other explanation…”

Her mouth was so dry that it gave off a sweet smell. But Natasha didn’t stop talking. It was to clearly remember that this was her own voice.

“It’s okay, Natasha.”

She calmed down a bit only when the rough skin touched her ear.

The large hand that covered her slightly curled ear blocked her senses. The noise in the mansion instantly faded away. Now all she could hear was the low throbbing sound of a heartbeat.

“When this day comes, whenever you hear that voice, blame me. Turn that voice towards me.”

“…”

“If those voices condemn you, make excuses anytime. Prove your innocence and blame me. I’ll gladly accept both judgment and consequences.”

Sieghart seemed to know what those voices meant to Natasha. The perceptive man always solved the difficult problems before him quickly and easily.

“So please calm down a little.”

“…”

“Please, calm down.”

Only then did Natasha seem to regain her lost senses. Her tightly closed eyes opened with difficulty after a long while.

Natasha raised her head and looked at Sieghart.

The man who had been staring intently at her slowly moved his lips. As if worried that something foreign might mix into the quiet stillness, he only mouthed the words.

It seemed like he was asking if she was okay.

Natasha agonized over how to answer.

Was she okay?

She seemed to be okay.

No, she felt like she would be okay.

“…That thing you’re hiding, I mean.”

If she heard a definite answer, she felt she might be a little okay. At least she would have an excuse to suppress the voice.

“Are you really hiding the truth for my sake, Sieghart?”

“…”

“Is it really for me, not for you? Because that truth would hurt me?”

After a very long time, Sieghart nodded.

“Then… are you confident you can keep that ugly truth hidden forever?”

This time the answer came a little faster. With a rather serious face, he nodded again.