I slowly walked under the orange-tinted sky. The air felt a bit cool, but having just been indoors until now, it wasn’t too cold.

Instead, my mood was strange.

A little scared, angry in some ways, and feeling like a burden was on my shoulders… but at the same time, slightly elated. I stared blankly ahead, walking like a machine. That’s when I arrived near the Idai disciples’ dormitory.

I came face to face with Ha Kyung, who seemed to be heading to the dorms like me.

“Ah.”

Somehow it felt like I was seeing Ha Kyung after a very long time. Even though we had been together as companions until just a few hours ago.

Come to think of it, is he okay?

At that sudden thought, I stopped right where I was. Didn’t Master say earlier that he was looking after him? And that wasn’t just to ask if he had returned safely.

Ha Kyung had suffered several times more than me on this journey and gone through much more serious things.

“…Young master.”

The backlighting and Ha Kyung being much taller than me made it hard to see his expression. I slowly took a few more steps towards Ha Kyung.

‘I should have asked if he was okay earlier.’

Only now did this thought occur to me.

Being so caught up in all sorts of thoughts on my own, it seems I pushed back all the truly important things. Especially with Ha Kyung, we had been together the whole way back, so there was plenty of time to say something.

‘It’s no use blaming myself now, though.’

As I approached, Ha Kyung stood still without moving. When I was about a step away, the atmosphere seemed to have settled a bit.

“You’re coming back from being with Master?”

I carefully spoke up. Fortunately, the answer came right away.

“Yes.”

“Come to think of it, I didn’t know if you were okay this whole time. I’m sorry, I had a lot to think about and didn’t pay attention to those around me.”

“…You’re sorry?”

“Huh?”

“Didn’t pay attention…”

The reaction is a bit strange?

‘Oh.’

I took half a step closer and looked up at Ha Kyung anew.

Only then could I properly see his expression. A brief glance might make it seem no different than usual, but looking closely like this, it seemed somehow strangely distorted in a way I couldn’t quite place.

Coming back from talking with Master, I had expected his mood to be a bit lighter, or still heavy if the talk had been useless, but this face was certainly not within the range of those expectations.

‘Plus, that response just now was a bit…’

I asked, slightly bewildered.

“…What’s wrong?”

“You’re asking what’s wrong?”

Ha Kyung let out a short, mirthless laugh.

“Weren’t you avoiding me?”

“Huh?”

“Were you not?”

I stared at him, feeling dumbfounded. His statement felt so out of the blue. Seeing my expression, Ha Kyung closed his mouth for a moment, then muttered in a subdued voice.

“I killed someone. And then we ran into each other right after… I thought you were shocked that your fellow disciple had become a murderer.”

For a moment my mind went blank at the unexpected words. All that came to mind were question marks. Unable to think of a reply, I just opened my mouth silently, and Ha Kyung added with a somewhat hesitant attitude.

“I’ve been watching out for your reaction this whole time.”

“…Watching out?”

You?

I found it hard to believe in many ways, as he didn’t seem the type to go around being so cautious. But what I had just heard couldn’t be undone, so I tried hard to gather my thoughts.

I hadn’t noticed at all, having been unable to pay attention to Ha Kyung or really anything around me for the past few days. Looking again, that strangely distorted expression seemed to hold a hint of resentment.

Resentment…

‘Right, it’s my fault.’

There’s no need to deny it, it is my wrongdoing.

Come to think of it, as Ha Kyung said, I was indeed greatly shocked when I turned the corner and saw him beyond the person who had died with their throat cut.

But people can be a bit shocked sometimes. That much wouldn’t be a problem, but not properly talking to Ha Kyung since then is an issue. Even if that wasn’t my intention.

Ha Kyung originally tended to be sensitive about various small things. I experienced that a lot when we first met and during the entrance exam.

Back then I thought it was because he had just arrived at Hwasan and was still young. I thought he had become less sensitive recently, but I guess people don’t change so easily after all.

“Well… I’m sorry for that too. I didn’t know you were thinking that way. But I really wasn’t avoiding you.”

I apologized helplessly.

“I should have asked earlier, then you wouldn’t have misunderstood… I’m really sorry. It might be too late, but are you okay?”

Ha Kyung just looked down at me with a very subtle expression throughout my speech.

Silence filled the surroundings for a while.

While I couldn’t deny that I had acted in a way deserving apology, separately, just as I was starting to feel this was a strange thing to be doing in front of the dorms, Ha Kyung finally spoke.

“Actually, I’m not bothered at all.”

“Huh?”

“I had already made up my mind earlier. It was just the execution that was delayed.”

Does he mean he had been thinking of killing someone for a long time?

“…Hmm.”

If I had heard this in the past, it might have been somewhat shocking.

But not now. Not only am I in no position to judge others by such standards, but this world and era is not one where the moral concepts I was familiar with in modern times apply.

I knew it in my head before, but couldn’t accept it, and only now have I finally come to terms with that fact.

‘Come to think of it, he had calm eyes back then too.’

Eyes that seemed to say, without hesitation, sympathy, or pity, that if it had to be done, it would simply be done… with no further meaning beyond that.

As the memory came back, so did the emotions I felt then. The shock of seeing someone’s last moments before my eyes was great, but at the same time I was worried if Ha Kyung was alright.

I think I was even more concerned because of that calm reaction. I was so shocked, but was the person who actually did it really okay…? Something like that.

‘That’s right.’

I had guessed before that Ha Kyung must have some kind of backstory leading up to his arrival at Hwasan.

I don’t know the details since I never asked, but judging by the way he’s talking, it seems to be related to what he experienced before joining Hwasan.

Perhaps it was right before meeting Master?

If he had made up his mind but delayed acting, maybe Master was the one who made him delay. I slowly nodded in understanding.

“I see. Then that’s good.”

“Good? You don’t think it’s bad?”

What’s the problem?

I felt bewildered in a different way than before, but even so, this wasn’t a situation to take lightly or gloss over. I carefully chose my words to answer.

“You didn’t use your sword for personal pleasure, right? You must have done it because it was the path to go in the right direction. Because you dealt with the intruders, the clan leader’s children were able to be safe. That must have been the best option in that situation, so why would I think it was bad?”

“Really?”

I looked straight at Ha Kyung. I kept thinking something was really strange. But instead of giving me a chance to speak, Ha Kyung suddenly launched into a long speech.

“Of course, it wasn’t for personal pleasure. But I didn’t make some grand resolution to do the right thing either. For me, even murder is just one means to an end. I was taught that if you have a goal, you shouldn’t be picky about methods, and though it doesn’t feel good, I think that’s the right approach too. This incident was just along those same lines.”

This isn’t an excuse, or self-justification…

As I listened to the long string of sentences with a puzzled feeling, I suddenly had the vague thought that these words, continuing without a single question, seemed to carry an air of wanting to confirm something.

That thought became a clue.

I stared at Ha Kyung even after he closed his mouth. He didn’t avoid my gaze, but I could see his eyes trembling slightly. Watching that reaction, I thought about it.

Why he had that strange reaction when I apologized, and why he kept catching onto my words and dragging them out.

Unexpectedly, that thought stretched quite far.

At some point, I felt like I understood not just the reason for his recent behavior, but also where Ha Kyung’s unusual personality came from.

‘He said he was taught that you shouldn’t be picky about methods to achieve a goal.’

At the same time, he said that while it doesn’t feel good, he also feels it’s the right approach.

Judging by how he spoke, it doesn’t seem to be a very good memory, but if he had said he disagreed with that teaching, I would have thought differently…

I suddenly asked. It was related to what Ha Kyung had said earlier, but somewhat off from the context so far.

“Anything for the sake of the goal?”

“Yes.”

“Even if it means partly destroying yourself?”

“…Even then, yes.”

The answer came back firmly despite some hesitation, making it even clearer.

‘If he says yes even if it means destroying himself, that means he can treat himself like a tool too.’

I shouldn’t rashly judge others, but this was a realization bordering on intuition.

‘He has… no self-esteem.’

So he doesn’t feel the need to build up his pride either.

It was a bit hard for me to believe even as I thought of it. He has looks and talent that others don’t, so it shouldn’t be easy to be that way.

But thinking again, Ha Kyung’s tendencies had been peeking through bit by bit in his actions from the start, just not very obviously. They were all hidden by his outstanding appearance, talent, and outwardly composed demeanor.

So much so that even I, who have been with him for a long time, only realized it now.

‘So that’s why he’s so harsh on himself, and why he doesn’t get angry no matter what people say.’

Viewed simply, he might seem objective and strong, but seen another way, that too is self-destructive behavior.

It means he doesn’t even cherish himself very much…