Even if Your Regret Holds Me Back - Chapter 36

Even after that, Walter often encountered her from a distance or while escorting her, but he never again saw that smile that seemed to color everything around her with flower dye.

It was the year when four seasons had passed since she came to the Grand Duke’s residence.

She had always seemed somewhat precarious, but especially so around this time.

She looked like someone barely clinging to life, breathing through a thread like a fish thrown out of water.

For some reason, she rarely left the mansion. So Walter, hoping she would find some enjoyment indoors, went to her carrying two swords without a clear plan.

“My lady.”

Helena was standing blankly in a corridor with little sunlight. She was no longer startled by his sudden appearance.

She just fixed her gaze on the stained glass window and said,

“…So you’ve come again after all.”

Her tone was tinged with regret. Walter couldn’t understand why she spoke with such a voice, or said such words.

‘Again? Have I visited my lady before?’

Except for the wedding day, there hadn’t been. Was that recent enough to call “again”?

A momentary doubt flashed through his mind, but he soon dismissed it. When he met her faint smile directed at him, the sense of déjà vu disappeared, leaving only urgency.

Though she hadn’t asked his business, she was trying to avoid him.

Despite years passing, the main reason he hadn’t had even a brief conversation with her until now was that she never created situations where they could be alone.

As if there was some taboo against it, she had always avoided him.

‘Whatever the reason, we can’t go on like this.’

She seemed like someone who could fly away at any moment. To keep such a person grounded, one had to tie them down somehow.

He quickly moved to block Helena’s path as she tried to leave.

Instead, he placed the sword hilt on her white hand, making her delicate fingers curl around the handle.

“If you would give me a chance to alleviate your boredom, even for a moment,”

Walter lowered his hand that had been supporting hers to let her feel the weight of the heavy metal, and asked,

“How about trying your hand at swordplay?”

However, perhaps as expected.

“Sir. I appreciate your kindness, but this isn’t necessary.”

She refused.

But Walter made Helena’s hand, which was about to let go of the sword, curl back over the hilt.

Helena let out a small sigh. Then she spoke quietly.

“…I happened to hear your story. Losing someone you love is truly painful. But if you’re seeing me as an overlap with your late daughter-.”

“That’s not it.”

Walter hastily replied, risking rudeness. As if her finishing that sentence would make it a fait accompli.

“I may just be a washed-up knight relegated to the back room now, but I’m still a knight. Knowing my duty, how could I dare project someone else onto you and entrust you with a sword?”

His throat stung from uttering words that revealed the true feelings he had secretly harbored since their first meeting.

He might indeed be daring to project. He might be daring to substitute.

But even if it was deception, it couldn’t be helped.

Because someone had to keep on living, because at least one breathing hole had to be left somehow.

Walter selfishly dug the hole called Helena. He hoped his selfish, clumsy affection could tie her to the ground.

Perhaps sensing that he wouldn’t give up until she accepted his proposal, she finally raised the white flag.

“The only one calling you a washed-up old man is yourself, sir.”

In truth, she seemed like someone who knew from the start that it would come to this.

Her resignation was so quick, it made the time she had intentionally avoided him feel like an illusion.

Feeling another strange sense of déjà vu, Walter asked to confirm.

“Then you’re giving me permission?”

Even though Walter had let go of the sword hilt, she didn’t release it.

She just slid her hand over the scabbard, examining it carefully like someone receiving a long-awaited gift.

Surely these were hands that had never even held a dagger, without a single callus. Yet somehow, that sight looked strangely familiar.

Only after she had run her fingers along the entire length of the blade did she answer.

“…I’ll try harder. I’ll become strong enough not to worry you.”

Then she skillfully drew the sword. After the sound of metal scraping against metal passed, the sharp tip of the blade left an elegant curve in the air.

She swung the sword lightly, like a knight on leave trying to regain a long-forgotten sensation.

After the sound of air being cut a few times, the sword was sheathed again.

Before Walter could hide his surprised expression, her gaze reached him first.

“I will strive until I no longer feel the need for you to be by my side.”

A small but firm voice gripped Walter. Somehow it sounded more like a confession than a resolution.

“So promise me one thing.”

In front of that solemn voice, Walter’s Adam’s apple bobbed greatly.

Her gaze fixed on him was clear, yet its weight couldn’t be felt. Those sunken eyes seemed like nothing but an empty shell.

Then, a dry voice urged a promise bordering on an oath.

“That no matter what happens, you won’t throw away your life trying to protect me.”

Yet why did he think she was crying?

Even now, after she had left, Walter couldn’t understand why.

Ian stopped at an exchange station on the outskirts of Futua to change horses. Helena, who had failed to shake him off in the end, stood beside him silently waiting.

He hadn’t told her their destination, and she hadn’t asked him. So she didn’t know where they were going. But Helena could tell he was trying to leave Futua.

Judging by their route, it was now certain that they were being pursued by someone. However, she had almost dispelled her doubts about him being a thief.

He couldn’t pass by a hungry child or woman, immediately supported a man who seemed to have difficulty walking, and often helped carry the luggage of passing old women.

At least no thief she knew acted like that.

Especially when seeing him like this now, it became an even more useless suspicion.

“Aren’t you going to catch him?”

Helena looked up at Ian blankly.

He just stood still, watching a pickpocket snatch his money pouch and run away.

Far from chasing after him, he didn’t even flinch. It seemed he was now intent on showing mercy even to pickpockets.

When Helena finally moved to intervene, Ian grabbed her wrist.

“It’s alright. I only kept small change in that pouch, the rest is in the luggage.”

“That’s not the issue right now.”

“Ah, did the pickpocket hit you as he passed? Are you hurt?”

Worry and concern appeared on Ian’s face. He suddenly grabbed Helena’s right arm and turned it this way and that.

Helena sighed in annoyance and took his hand, removing it.

“I’m fine. It’s not me who’s hurt, but your excessive kindness that I’m talking about.”

Only then did Ian show signs of relief and added an excuse.

“There’s no need to make a fuss and waste energy trying to get it back when we have enough. Besides, if we start a chase and draw attention, that would be even more troublesome.”

“Someone who dislikes trouble so much has been dragging me around all this time?”

“Being with you isn’t troublesome, it’s enjoyable. I’ve been living so breathlessly, but thanks to you, I can relax like this for the first time in a long while.”

“I’m sure you feel that way.”

Helena replied dryly, casting her downcast gaze straight ahead. The theft that had occurred right in front of them was getting further and further away.

When the pickpocket saw that Ian wasn’t chasing him, he turned back and even taunted them by waving the money pouch.

“How absent-minded do you have to be not to notice getting robbed? What an idiot! Be grateful for the lesson I’ve taught you to be more careful in life! Hahaha!”

Hearing the frivolous laughter, Helena quietly thought.

Should I catch him or not?

She glanced briefly at Ian. His face remained calm even after having his gold taken and being insulted on top of it. Looking at him, she made up her mind.

“I’ll borrow this for a moment.”

Helena reached for Ian’s side. Without hesitation, she drew the sword and threw it in one fluid motion.

Swoosh-!

The sword flew in a long arc and landed precisely in front of the pickpocket with a thud.

“Aaaagh!”

The pickpocket, who had been running leisurely, collapsed on the spot.

The sharp sword stood proudly between his two legs, asserting its presence.

Helena’s stern expression finally softened upon seeing him. For something left partly to chance, it was a fairly satisfactory result.

⌜There’s no one but my lady who can use a sword like a bow.⌟

The laughter of a middle-aged man briefly echoed in her ears. She also recalled the scar by his eyes that creased gently when he smiled.

Helena quickly cleared her thoughts before that laughter could turn into a desperate scream.

‘In this life, without me here, you should be safe, sir.’

That was enough.

Helena deliberately walked at a quick pace to refocus on the present.

The pickpocket remained motionless until she reached him. Perhaps due to the fear of nearly losing something precious, his limbs were trembling uncontrollably.

Helena looked down at him after pulling the sword out of the ground.

Though she didn’t say a word, the pickpocket held out the money pouch with shaking hands.

“I-I’ll give it back!”

Helena silently took it and returned to Ian. He wore the most surprised expression she had seen from him yet.

She took Ian’s hand, pulled it towards her, and placed the recovered money pouch on it.

“Consider this a small repayment for the expenses you’ve incurred for me so far.”

“There was no need to do this.”

“I felt I had to do at least this much to alleviate some of my sense of indebtedness. That way… I won’t feel so uneasy when we part ways.”

Helena, who had tried to trail off ambiguously but ended up answering, raised her head. Ian’s expression had turned sour, as if he had just chewed on a bitter herb root.

He frowned as he tucked the money pouch into his clothes and told her,

“You keep preparing for a farewell on your own, so let me tell you this – I have no intention of parting ways with you for the time being.”