Even if Your Regret Holds Me Back - Chapter 33

Ian clutched the paper bag in his right hand and slowly extended his empty left hand. He gently brushed the small scar visible on Helena’s forehead.

As if he himself were in pain, though it was literally nothing more than a fully healed wound, he continued to move his hand as if wiping away fresh blood.

Even while bearing countless scars on his own back, he did not withdraw his hand that moved as if wiping away blood.

“It doesn’t matter. Even if I remained to you as nothing more than a stray cat you threw bread to, the size of what you are to me remains unchanged.”

What frustrating words. Helena thought.

The size they held for each other was too different. They could never have been of equal weight to begin with.

‘With what feelings does one try to embrace someone they can’t even remember?’

By now, the dark clouds had rolled in directly overhead. Though raindrops began to fall one or two at a time, Helena did not move.

The fickle weather here was just like her own heart.

“It’s true that I’m grateful to you. I believe that you want me to live. Whether it’s charity or moral obligation, or stemming from some forgotten past connection, I can accept it as sincere.”

Helena placed her hand over Ian’s hand covering her scar, then pulled it down.

“But if that’s the case, you have plenty of money, don’t you? Whether stolen or originally yours, you have a lot in any case.”

Helena tried to let go of their overlapped hands as they lowered. However, Ian freed his thumb to press firmly on the back of her hand, grasping it again.

Raindrops slid between the gaps of their heated hands.

Helena deliberately strained her voice, as if to keep it from slipping, and asked challengingly:

“Why spend your precious time doing this troublesome thing yourself when you could just assign someone to me and send me to a convent?”

“I’ve simply chosen to use it on something more precious.”

“I don’t understand why I fall within your precious range.”

“Do you know any reason why you shouldn’t?”

The next moment, the pressure on Helena’s hand disappeared. Her hand finally fell.

Helena assumed it was because of the now thicker raindrops. That he hadn’t let go, but that his grip had slipped.

‘Ah.’

As soon as that thought occurred to her, she froze as if doused with cold water.

Yes, this is why she shouldn’t stay by this man’s side, because he made her feel this way.

Just as there’s no disappointment if you don’t expect anything from the start, there would be no sense of loss if you never allow someone close.

“I thought you wouldn’t understand me, but it’s the same for me. I don’t understand you. What exactly do you want to do with me?”

“You don’t need to do anything.”

“Then what are you trying to do alone?”

“Don’t be too caught up in relationships. I don’t mind if ours is asymmetrical. Some people are satisfied just by the other’s existence on the opposite side.”

Shwaaa−.

At last, the heavy rain poured down. Though it was a sudden downpour that would likely stop soon, they couldn’t trudge through such rain.

Helena and Ian paused their conversation for now and took shelter under the awning of a nearby shop.

After roughly shaking the water from his hair, Ian looked up at the sky. Helena’s gaze followed his towards the heavens.

It was a peculiar scene. While a red sunset was setting on the opposite side, right above them rain poured as if a hole had opened in the sky.

Looking at the puddles beginning to form and soak the parched ground of recent days, Helena spoke.

“You still haven’t answered properly. What is it you want to do alone?”

Ian turned his head towards her. Helena faced him in return.

Though everything around was gray due to the weather, strangely he alone looked clean. An infinitely clear silver.

With just such an expression, in just such a voice, he answered.

“I will drench you.”

“…?”

“Like breathing but drowning in the sea. I will soak you completely.”

And with that, he turned his head away again.

“……”

“……”

By now the rain had thinned.

It seemed it would stop entirely soon. During this time, neither of them spoke a word.

It had become a natural silence.

But separately from that, the fact that she didn’t need to make an effort to elicit someone’s response, or to fill the silence, felt a bit awkward to Helena.

“The rain has stopped.”

A few minutes later, Ian was the first to break the silence. Taking a step out from under the awning, he extended his hand towards Helena.

“Shall we go now?”

Helena looked back and forth between his hand and face before exhaling a resigned sigh.

It was obvious that if she insisted on parting ways here, she’d just be treated like a sack of potatoes again.

“I have to sleep with you tonight too, right? And probably tomorrow, and the day after.”

“…It sounds a bit strange when you put it that way.”

“Then can we part ways?”

“No. Let’s sleep together.”

He extended his hand a bit closer, urging her. Helena reluctantly placed her hand on his.

Ian gently led her with a small smile. Soon, the quiet sound of footsteps on wet gravel continued.

Suddenly, Helena recalled the night he had searched for her. She stared blankly at their overlapped hands, just like then.

A hand covered in small scars, firmly enveloping her own hand so that it was barely visible.

‘Should I let go, or not?’

This time, the period of deliberation wasn’t very long. Due to the cold rainwater, his hand wasn’t as warm as before. But somehow, it felt like she could keep holding it.

While lost in such thoughts, a four-wheeled carriage passed right by them. Ian quickly pulled Helena’s arm, hiding her behind his back.

Muddy water splashed as the wheels rolled through a puddle.

“Be careful.”

He looked Helena up and down once, then brushed off the fallen leaves stuck to the paper bag.

Before she could regret the brief loss of faint warmth, her hand was held again.

Though the touching skin was just the area of a single palm, it was inexplicable why her whole body felt warm.

Looking down at her shoes, which had changed from beige to dark brown, Helena murmured softly.

“I’m already… a little wet, I think.”

And so she worried.

If it was impossible to cut him off now, she didn’t know what to do going forward.

Eugene loosened the tie choking his neck as he entered the hotel where he would be staying for the time being.

It had been an exhausting day, and not knowing how many more such days he would have to endure made it even more tiresome.

As soon as he closed the door to his room, he tossed his jacket onto the sofa and flopped down on the bed.

Eugene, who had been lying motionless with his eyes closed, only moved when the communication device placed on the bedside table reacted.

The number of people he had given the same device to before leaving the mansion for urgent matters was limited.

Moreover, there was only one person who would contact him at this hour, so he connected the signal without bothering to open his eyes.

“What is it?”

On the screen that suddenly appeared above the device. Natasha, with her honey blonde hair cascading gracefully, stiffened slightly.

Surprised by Eugene’s unexpected appearance, she soon broke into a shy smile.

“I just… missed you, Your Grace.”

Her cheeks began to flush a rosy pink. It was a lovely sight, sweet as spring blossoms.

Yet the man she wanted to show this to wasn’t even looking at the screen.

“Please refrain from contacting me in the future unless it’s urgent, Natasha.”

Eugene rebuked in a dry tone.

Natasha’s flushed complexion gradually returned to its original color. All she could see was Eugene’s side profile as he lay with his eyes closed.

She knew why he was acting this way. Recently, the one disappointing him was predetermined.

Natasha took a moment to steady her breath.

Though she couldn’t know what answer her imminent question would bring, it was something she would have asked eventually.

“Is it… impossible for you to forget the Madam?”

A faint wrinkle appeared between Eugene’s brows. At the same time, a small, displeased groan escaped through his teeth. Eugene was annoyed that just one question had dragged up the thoughts he had tried so hard to bury.

…Or perhaps, something else.

Still, Natasha was satisfied that she had finally caught his gaze. Eugene opened his eyes, sat up, and looked at her.

“Natasha.”

For the first time, he looked a bit angry. His following tone was the same.

“The reason I let you into the mansion was precisely because you wouldn’t overstep your bounds.”

“…Your Grace.”

“I don’t care if you fill your room with jewels or make the servants kneel at your feet.”

Eugene cast a cold gaze.

“But don’t covet Helena’s place.”

Natasha was unable to continue speaking for a while. Her reddening eyes looked pitiful.

With a face that could wrench the hearts of all men in the world just by looking at it, she murmured softly.

“I know that well. I just, just… said it because I was worried about you, Your Grace.”

Natasha shrank into herself. She looked infinitely fragile, like a delicate glass doll. Eugene’s demeanor softened slightly at the sight.

He spoke in a voice that barely managed to feign kindness.

“If that’s the case, you should have held your tongue even more.”

“But Your Grace,”

“Do you still have more to say?”

Eugene turned away from her with a dry sigh. He hunched over, resting his arms on his knees, showing signs of extreme fatigue.

However, Natasha did not back down in the end.

“Even if you say that, Your Grace, I know. I know that the love I received from you wasn’t all a lie.”

“It seems you’re not understanding my words at all right now, so I’m not sure what you claim to know.”

“I understand you unchangingly, Your Grace. That night, surely−”

“That’s enough.”

At the mention of ‘that night’, Eugene visibly frowned. As if caught off guard, he cut off the conversation entirely.

His exhale carried even deeper emotions.

This time, even Natasha took a step back.

“I apologize. Rest well, Your Grace.”

The screen disappeared after her quiet farewell.