Even if Your Regret Holds Me Back - Chapter 22

Once again today, that man tore off the door and left the inn.

Helena, having observed this eccentric behavior for several days, was on the verge of forgetting how to open doors normally.

‘I’ve gotten used to it.’

She continued to stay with a man she disliked, feeling equally displeased.

Each day was similarly routine. Eating, wandering around, eating, sightseeing.

As usual, after roaming the streets, today they returned early due to fatigue.

For some reason, he left the doorknob intact.

Helena was about to say something but refrained. The afternoon sun was warm, easily inducing drowsiness.

Eventually, she fell into a nap and woke up when dusk had slightly darkened.

She seemed to have fallen asleep while sitting by the window watching outside. She felt soft sheets and a pillow behind her head.

‘…It’s too quiet.’

Why? She closed and opened her eyes again. Something felt a bit strange.

Helena sat up groggily and realized the reason.

He wasn’t by her side.

Did he let his guard down because I was asleep, or has he finally given up on me this time?

She wiggled her toes as she pondered, but couldn’t determine which it was. She also couldn’t tell which one she wanted it to be.

The evening scent blowing through the open window broke her reverie. Helena dragged her feet to the table. There were a few fairy tales that seemed to be truly the last ones.

‘Has he finally left because he ran out of money?’

Helena stood still for a moment.

Then, as a faint bell sound was heard from afar, she put on her bag, draped her cape, gathered some coins, and stood in front of the door.

The undamaged doorknob turned smoothly. It felt somewhat strange, as did the fact that only her footsteps echoed down the stairs.

Having lived alone for most of her life, it felt odd after someone had been clinging to her for just a few days. Meanwhile, her stomach felt empty, perhaps out of habit. That was why she came out.

Since she was allowed to use the kitchen in the inn, she planned to buy ingredients and cook for herself.

She didn’t immediately feel like dying again just because he had disappeared. That could be considered after filling her stomach. Somehow, it seemed like it would be okay.

‘It’s been a while since I’ve walked in the evening.’

The evening streets had a different bustle compared to daytime.

The white seagull-decorated streetlights unique to port cities sporadically lit up, and the voices of merchants trying to sell their remaining goods echoed even louder.

Helena chose various items at a grocery store, paid, and came out. However, the moment she stepped into an alley as a shortcut, her body was suddenly pulled.

When she opened her eyes, which she had reflexively closed, someone who had pushed her against the wall was standing in front of her. What was the first emotion she felt upon recognizing that face?

Relief? Bewilderment? Thankfulness? Anger?

Helena simply looked up at him quietly while clutching the grocery bag tightly to her chest.

After rubbing his face dry once, he grasped her arms below her shoulders.

“When you disappeared, I was so…!”

He opened his mouth as if about to shout, but then just bowed his head deeply with a heavy sigh. The skin where they touched was hot.

While the hands holding me are so firm, why does it feel like he’s trembling?

Helena was bothered by his rough breathing. She also disliked seeing him sweating from running around so much.

She dropped the bag she had been holding to her chest. Then she placed her now empty hands on top of his and brought them to her chest.

Thump, thump. A gentle beating resonated.

“I’m alive, you see.”

She felt it herself.

“I didn’t die.”

Her heart was beating.

“Isn’t that enough?”

It was an unpleasantly sticky sensation. So sticky that it felt like her two feet planted on the ground wouldn’t come off.

As if she had to stand on this earth.

All this time, Ian had been holding onto Helena as if he could grasp her heart. Only when his breathing calmed did Helena slowly withdraw her hands.

Ian silently picked up the fallen grocery bag and held her hand with his other hand. Then he started walking through the noisy night streets.

Helena stared at her held hand and pondered for a moment. But the night streets were chilly, her hands were a bit cold, and his hand was quite warm.

So she didn’t pull away her held hand.

Eugene Hyde Evergale was a man who knew no lack. Because he knew no lack, he knew no longing.

From the moment he was born and opened his eyes, everything was already in his grasp. With just the effort of lifting a finger, there was nothing he couldn’t have.

The greatest effort he had to make so far was to attach the Evergale name to Helena.

Even that became insignificant as time passed. She loved him as if he were her everything.

So if there was one thing he couldn’t understand, it was losing something he already had.

He couldn’t even imagine that Helena, of all people, would flee from his arms of her own accord.

‘You were always the one who came back. So why aren’t you by my side yet?’

Eugene slammed the desk violently. He was deeply troubled. Numerous voices searching for someone buzzed around.

⌜Although the madam strictly forbade us to tell you… she was in a very precarious mental state. It got worse over time. It always felt like she was carrying a bomb that could go off at any moment.⌟

⌜Is Mrs. Evergale alright? It’s been quite a while since she’s shown her face at parties.⌟

⌜She usually suffered from severe headaches… I wonder if she’s doing well…⌟

⌜I owe her a great debt from when I was young, and I want to repay it no matter what. I really want to see her.⌟

⌜No matter how harshly I treated her, one word from you and she’d stop crying and smile right away. But now she has no expression at all.⌟

The doctor, the social circle, the butler who had been with her for half a lifetime, even a stranger who suddenly came looking, and even his own mother who had despised her.

Everyone was looking for Helena. Everyone knew Helena.

Everywhere was full of talk about Helena, Helen, Madam. It became even more so after bringing Natasha into the mansion.

Even though he tried to silence them, unsettling rumors about Helena’s absence began to circulate.

Even the servants, while bowing their heads in front, were known to gossip behind his back about how soon after the madam left they brought in a new wife.

But there was nothing he could do about it, disgusted as he was. Because it was no different inside his own head.

He thought he could forget by putting Natasha in her place. But it made him think of her even more. The cup he believed would be the solution turned out to be a poisoned chalice when he drank it.

‘How did it… Damn it!’

Unable to concentrate on work at all, Eugene threw down his pen and lay down on the sofa.

As he was covering his eyes with the back of his hand to relieve fatigue for a moment, he heard the sound of someone quietly opening and closing the door.

Someone had entered the office. At the same time, there was a faint scent of tea.

Eugene lowered the hand that was blocking his view and confirmed the identity of the unexpected visitor.

“…Helen?”

Helena, who had disappeared, was standing there holding a tray with a teapot on it, just like always.

Eugene unconsciously sat up abruptly. But only for a moment.

“Um… Your Grace?”

Looking closely, the identity of the woman was not Helena, but Natasha.

‘Am I seeing things now?’

Eugene turned his head, rubbing his eyes that were sore from overwork.

“It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

Natasha approached him without being flustered, put down the tray on the table, and then embraced his shoulders to comfort him.

“Your Grace, please don’t overwork yourself. I’m working hard to help too, so you can rest a little now.”

There was a strange confidence in her voice. In fact, there was nothing particularly to refute. Because it was true.

Contrary to concerns, Natasha performed her given tasks exceptionally well. She quickly grasped the workings of the administrative system, improving work efficiency and productivity.

But mentally, she was far from enough to completely fill Helena’s empty space. Rather than covering her up, she made him think of her even more irritatingly.

Eugene got up and approached the shelf between the bookshelves. He took out a bottle of vodka from the display case that had been kept as if for decoration, and sat at his desk.

Eugene easily removed the cork and tilted the bottle into a crystal-cut glass as he asked,

“Natasha. Have you ever experienced the disappearance of something that seemed unchangeable?”

“Well… then wouldn’t it not be unchangeable?”

Natasha’s answer made Eugene, who was about to open his mouth, furrow his brow slightly.

“…I see.”

He nodded his head slightly and then spoke again.

“I realized that once when I was young. There was a big zelkova tree behind the house, and when the sun set, its shadow would reach all the way to my room. Even if lightning struck, only a few branches would break.”

Eugene moistened his lips with the amber liquid once and continued.

“I lay under that tree reading books every day. Until I entered the academy in the capital. I still saw that tree every time I came back for holidays. It was always in that place. It seemed like it would be there until I died, until Evergale continued to pass down generations.”

The sound of refilling the glass filled the gap.

Suddenly, a bitter smile spread across Eugene’s lips.

“But one day when I went to see it, it had disappeared without a trace. They said they cleared it to expand the mansion grounds. Even though I rarely looked at it after growing up, that empty space left me feeling quite hollow.”

Eugene drank half at once and then grasped the glass as if covering it. His other hand that was rubbing between his eyebrows now rested on his forehead.

“But… why am I feeling that way now?”

A dry sigh passed. It was a breath mixed with what could have been regret or self-mockery.

Natasha just silently watched Eugene in this state.

After a long while, Eugene, still burying his head in his hands, muttered,

“Trees can be replanted, and people can be brought back.”

There was a dull thud as the heavy glass hit the desk.

“She left on her own feet, so I too should find her on my own feet.”