Even if Your Regret Holds Me Back - Chapter 18

As we stepped out of the store, the midday sun poured down. The street, washed by rain, was bustling with renewed vigor.

Helena walked along the neat stone path, folding her fingers one by one.

“So your name is Camel, you lead a nomadic life running a small merchant group, you have a younger sister, and when you were young…”

“About 13 years, 3 months, and 17 days ago.”

Helena narrowed her eyes at Ian’s sudden interjection.

“…Anyway, you received a favor from me then and came to repay it?”

“Actually, you asked me to find you first, even if you didn’t remember. So considering this poor man who faithfully kept his promise-”

“I don’t want to see you.”

“Then just feel it. That I’m by your side.”

“Everything is easy for you, isn’t it?”

“They say if something looks easy, you’re doing it well. I must be approaching you well right now.”

His seamless replies came back in quick succession. Helena let out an annoyed sigh.

“Then you’ve already found me, and you’ve sufficiently repaid the favor with the meal we just had. I’d like to think there’s no need for us to be further entangled.”

“That can’t be. You made the lowest version of myself cherish you. So you deserve to fully receive the current me, who has reached his peak.”

Ian said as he kicked aside a stone in Helena’s path while walking.

Though his smiling face wasn’t looking at her, Helena still watched him with suspicious eyes.

“You don’t think I’ll believe everything you say at face value, do you? How much truth is there here? It seems too disadvantageous for me to allow a stalker based on a few words that may or may not be fake.”

“Well, the sooner you regain your memories, the better it will be for you then.”

“Whether I have memories or not, would someone like you want to accompany a person who has shown their lowest point?”

“…”

The conversation suddenly stopped. Ian’s gaze, looking out at the shopping district, wavered for a moment.

Helena, finding this strange, peered ahead but didn’t see anything particularly noteworthy.

“What on earth are you looking at…”

Just as Helena was about to follow his gaze, Ian grabbed her hand first.

As if trying to block her view, he used his large frame to shield the front and pulled her along.

A gap between empty shops revealed an alley. Ian unhesitatingly moved towards it.

As soon as they entered the farthest corner of the alley, he pressed Helena against the wall and leaned down.

“If that’s the reason you can’t allow me by your side… then you should see my lowest point too.”

His words were mixed with slightly labored breathing from the hurried walk. Ian’s shadow fell over Helena’s face. Even though it was midday, the secluded alley was dark. Due to the shade, his clean silver hair looked almost gray.

The moisture from yesterday’s rain still clung heavily to the stones and earth. Perhaps that’s why his words seemed to stick particularly to her earlobes.

“I don’t know what you’re trying to do.”

Helena raised a cold gaze. Ian, unfazed, tilted his head slightly. He drew so close that their lips seemed about to touch.

Close. Too close.

She could even see the shadows cast by his long eyelashes beneath his eyes. If a passerby saw, they might mistake this for a passionate display of affection.

“May I?”

Ian asked, slowly meeting her gaze.

His tone didn’t match the current situation or content at all. It was as dry as the sound of wind brushing against parched grass. Unlike their mingled, humid breaths.

That dissonance caused a faint anger to color Helena’s face.

“…Hypocrite. Didn’t you say my living was the only thing you wanted?”

“I didn’t say it was the only thing. That’s why I’m showing you my lowest point now.”

“What lowest point, your patience?”

Ian showed a slightly surprised expression. As if someone whose hidden intentions were discovered behind a false mask.

But soon he exhaled lightly through his nose and nodded affirmatively.

“You have a good eye for people.”

This time his tone was ambiguous, unclear if he was smiling or self-deprecating. Helena’s anger deepened a little more. His words always seemed to convey multiple meanings even in a single sentence.

It was irritating that she couldn’t read him no matter how intently she stared.

It was even more so because he could read her so easily while she couldn’t do the same.

Helena turned her head away as if he wouldn’t exist if she couldn’t see him.

“It’s fortunate your profession isn’t acting. If you’re going to act, at least do it believably.”

“I’ll try harder next time.”

“…So what is it anyway?”

“Actually, it’s nothing much. Just some unsavory ruffians passing by.”

Having shifted her gaze, Helena looked out of the alley over Ian’s shoulder.

A man who looked about to collapse from exhaustion and a few armed knights were moving away.

They were all big enough to create prejudice. But not to the extent of being called ruffians indiscriminately.

What kind of ruffian would walk down the street apologizing to people they bumped into?

At a glance, they fell far short of fitting the definition of ‘unsavory’.

Helena turned her head back to give Ian a sidelong glance.

“Then what about the person in front of me right now?”

He straightened up willingly from his bent posture.

“Hmm… let’s say a savory ruffian.”

“You’d better not joke much either.”

Helena detached herself from the wall. As she was about to leave the alley, Ian’s words stopped her.

“Actually, I have something to give you. Check carefully if you’ve lost anything.”

After looking at Ian for a moment, she began rummaging through her bag. Her initially leisurely movements gradually quickened.

When Helena finally looked up with a startled face, a palm-sized picture was thrust before her eyes.

“H-How did you…”

The thick paper, like a puzzle piece, contained an image of the two of them. Though somewhat disheveled due to being patched together like rags, it couldn’t mar the siblings’ bright smiles.

⌜Are you leaving today? Look at this when you miss me. Congratulations on your marriage, elder sister.⌟

A voice tinged with coughing swirled around her ears.

Helena, receiving the picture with trembling hands, looked up at Ian. He shrugged nonchalantly.

“It was quite a struggle to fish it out. Fortunately, it was painted with oil paint so it didn’t smudge. However, not knowing how to dry it properly, some wrinkles formed. And the cracks…”

“I know. It was originally torn.”

Helena stared blankly at the picture for a while. She seemed like someone who had forgotten how to speak.

Ian waited silently. After a long time, Helena murmured softly.

“…Thank you.”

Her fingers, fiddling with the worn corner of the paper, trembled slightly.

The unforgettable voice of a man pierced Helena like a trace of energy.

.

.

.

It was a day with much thunder.

“Any more to report?”

Helena abruptly stopped in front of the long streak of light seeping through the door crack.

Butler Gordon’s voice followed, as if hesitantly opening his mouth at Eugene’s urging.

“Well… The Owens have sent another bill. Despite the amount being unreasonable for mere medicine costs, the madam willingly sent the money. Unable to tell Your Excellency, she seems to have resolved it alone by selling a few pieces of jewelry.”

Eugene exhaled a long breath. It was a distorted sigh palpable even outside the door.

Judging by the lack of further conversation, he was probably running his hand through his hair or holding his forehead. And he would be thinking this:

That she was still a foolish woman.

Hearing approaching footsteps, Helena quickly hid herself in the darkness.

Soon Gordon came out, and the door closed without leaving even a thin streak of light. Gordon’s neat white hair gradually receded and disappeared entirely.

Occasional flashes of lightning burst. The dark corridor was dyed white as if flickering. Helena worried that the ongoing storm might further upset Eugene’s mood.

Finally, when the third flash passed, Helena, forcefully suppressing her pounding heart, knocked on the door. It was a soft sound that could be buried under the rain.

“…Come in.”

Did he know that only one person in this mansion knocked on his office door like that?

It was the tone Eugene used only when calling for her. Helena knew the subtle difference from when he called for Gordon, Sir Argyle, or the knights.

Carefully opening the door and entering, she saw Eugene lowering the hand that had been on his forehead and raising his head. Though he looked as if he had expected it, he still asked her purpose.

“What is it, Helen?”

“Well… it’s nothing much…”

The storm hadn’t been this severe in the previous regression. Since she hadn’t visited regarding Basil during this period before, Helena struggled to part her lips despite having practiced dozens of times inwardly.

“I was wondering if I could visit my family for a few days. I’m worried about Basil because of the storm. If it’s this bad in Evergail, there…”

“Is there still something left to offer them?”

Eugene suddenly rose from his seat. Helena hesitated a little and stopped speaking.

Eugene opened a drawer and took out a thick bundle of letters, throwing them one by one onto the desk.

“These are what the Owens have sent me separately all this time.”

Thud, thud, thud. The dry sound fell rhythmically. With each one, Helena felt her heart constrict.

“It was just a week ago that I sent money because your brother’s condition had worsened slightly. How long do I have to keep dancing to this tune?”

Normally, she would have retreated, saying she had been rude. But the words Eugene poured out were something she couldn’t just pass by.

“Basil is sick again? H-How much, I need to go right now…!”

“Helena! Come to your senses! How long are you going to let yourself be used!”

Finally, Eugene came out from behind the desk and grabbed Helena’s arms. Red marks formed on her thin wrists, but Helena didn’t stop.

“I don’t care how much they use me. It’s fine if they use me for life. I just need Basil to be alive. So I have to go…!”

Her slightly swollen lips from biting them trembled. Words spilled out as if she were possessed by something.

Eugene looked at her as if he couldn’t understand her at all.

His gaze suddenly shifted to her hand. The hand holding Basil’s picture.

Eugene let out a sneer.

“You say you just need Basil to be alive. Then what about me?”

An Indifferent Woman is the One Men Desire the Most

One-line summary: The female lead is actually cold-hearted and extremely rational. She has stage-by-stage relationships and won’t two-time, but there will always be someone who secretly likes her.

This novel has the following triggers, so if you’re sensitive to these, please don’t read:

1. The female lead has had many relationships, but she treated each one seriously and broke up properly.

It’s just that the men unilaterally pestered her incessantly. For the female lead, when she doesn’t like someone anymore, she simply doesn’t like them.

(This applies to her relationships with Male Lead 1, 2, 3, and 4 as well, but she’s loyal in each 1-on-1 relationship!)

2. In this novel, Male Lead 2 and the female lead kiss in a car, and Male Lead 1 sees it and beats up Male Lead 2.

The female lead calls the police and sends both Male Lead 1 and 2 to the police station! Male Lead 1 begs the female lead not to break up with him.

3. Male Lead 1 has a gentle appearance but an obsessive personality.

Male Lead 2 has a delicate and soft appearance, slightly green tea-like (two-faced).

Male Lead 3 is a youthful college student and a smart person who has secretly liked the female lead for a long time.

Male Lead 4 is the female lead’s father’s special assistant, a business elite with deep, hidden thoughts.

4. At the beginning of this novel, the female lead has already broken up with Male Lead 1 (Chapter 4) and gotten back together with Male Lead 2 (ex-boyfriend).

5. Enter with caution if you have triggers!!!