“If you’re done talking, may I speak now?”

“…Yes. Please go ahead.”

So there was only one reaction I could show.

Acknowledging the child’s emotions, and respecting the child’s decision.

Also acknowledging that the child’s emotions are not something I can control.

“First of all, I know very well that no matter what I do, I can never be the same as your birth mother.”

I put on the gentlest smile I could muster.

I also took care to make my tone sound casual to Kardiel.

“So I’m not upset about mere titles, Karl.”

Meanwhile, I had to desperately gather up the nasty emotions I nearly spilled out.

Then I neatly folded them back into the deep box in my heart.

‘It’s really fortunate.’

That I’m not the type to get immersed in my own emotions.

I’m a person who finds it terribly wasteful to be buried in emotions that change nothing about the situation.

There were too many things to be responsible for.

I’m also someone who believes I must use every day of my given time as efficiently as possible, no matter what.

‘So…’

I’m fine. I’m at an age where I should be fine, and in a position where I must be fine.

The days when I could express every joy and sorrow and feel wronged about not being okay departed forever from my time when I became the Duchess of Daiern.

Now I have become an adult.

One who is overwhelmed with living each day without lingering on things lost, things missed, and things I cannot have.

Moreover, I am now the guardian of the children, and I am here in the capacity of this child’s mother.

Whether Kardiel acknowledges it or not, it is legally so.

And in my heart… it is so as well.

“Still, I hope you won’t put up too much of a wall. After all, Karl, children need a guardian in some way until they come of age.”

I picked up the teacup I had set down. The tea had already cooled.

It didn’t have the flavor I wanted in my mouth, but it wasn’t bad for wetting my throat.

“By the way, I’ve never forgotten what my role is.”

So it’s okay even if you abandon me someday.

“Don’t worry, Karl. Even if you become a duke, I won’t ask anything of you.”

Because I won’t be hurt.

“…What are you saying right now?”

But after hearing everything, Kardiel’s expression twisted terribly.

The rare expression on his face was unfamiliar.

As I stared at the child’s face to grasp his intention, Kardiel bit his lower lip and let out a small groan of pain.

“You’ve misunderstood something. That’s not what I meant.”

“Hm?”

Was there something for me to misunderstand?

As I tilted my head, Kardiel sat up straight.

“I’m not saying that I don’t acknowledge you, my stepmother… that is, you, as my mother-like guardian.”

“Didn’t you say earlier that you distinguish between the late Duchess and me?”

“I do distinguish. But distinguishing doesn’t mean I consider you a lesser being than my birth mother.”

“…”

“I…”

Kardiel couldn’t finish his sentence in one go. His face furrowed painfully, which was perplexing.

For a child who had never shown so many expressions before.

I, however, did not rush him. I closed my mouth again and listened to Kardiel’s words.

Then, after a long while, the child who had clenched his fist on his knee continued speaking.

“In fact, I don’t like my birth mother very much.”

“…?”

And the words that followed made me doubt my ears.

“You must know. Noble children are handed over to wet nurses from the moment they’re born. Just as you did with Asil, my mother never breastfed me either.”

“…”

Asil is the name of my first child whom I lost early.

Rueiri Asil Daiern. He was a cute boy with black hair and clear sky-blue eyes.

But as Kardiel said, I wasn’t given the chance to breastfeed the child directly.

It was because my husband insisted, saying it would ruin my figure.

As an aside, in fact, my husband didn’t like me giving birth either. For the same reason.

Well, okay. I understand that much.

Caring for a newborn is like a war, which is why noble women don’t directly raise newborns.

Wet nurses are also hired to give milk instead.

Therefore, noble children usually have a stronger emotional bond with their wet nurses than with their birth mothers.

Kardiel was like that too.

“I was raised entirely by my wet nurse. I was beaten by my father every day, and my mother… she fulfilled her duty of parenting merely by advising me that I would be beaten less if I listened well to my father.”

On top of that, it seems the late Duchess was quite a fragile person.

She was so busy being afraid of her husband, let alone thinking of going against him, that she completely removed herself from raising the children.

“Do you know? When my mother passed away, what I felt wasn’t sadness. Nor was it pity.”

“Karl…”

“It was rather a sense of betrayal.”

Kardiel unfolded his clenched fists and buried his face in his palms.

But I could notice the child’s agonized jaw trembling under his hands, chewing on his emotions.

“If she gave birth… then she should have taken responsibility. Always avoiding and hiding, and then in the end, leaving alone, like running away… I thought it was cowardly.”

Ragged breaths escaped between his tightly closed lips.

I quickly got up and approached the child.

When I handed him a handkerchief, Kardiel finally removed his face from between his hands and steadied his breathing.

Should I say it’s fortunate? Kardiel wasn’t crying.

But in his reddened eyes and nose tip, there seemed to be intense emotions trapped, unable to be spilled out.

“I’m not unaware that my mother had her circumstances. There were reasons why she had to live curled up like that. At the very least, my mother had to live prostrate before my father to preserve her life.”

I know that well too. The former Duchess of Daiern was quite a topic in social circles at one time.

After all, she was the daughter of the younger brother who had fiercely competed for the throne with Emperor Godfrey.

She did carry the blood of the imperial family.

But as much as her predecessors had fought for the throne, she was a lady from a fallen house who should have been grateful just for being allowed to keep her life.

So she couldn’t ask for help from anyone, nor could she receive it.

“I understand my mother. I don’t want to hate her, and I don’t resent her even now.”

Yes, I see.

I gently stroked Kardiel’s back. His usually straight back seemed a bit hunched today.

This child who says he understands his mother, doesn’t hate her, and doesn’t resent her…

It felt more like he was forcibly shouldering emotions he couldn’t resolve while brainwashing himself like that.

If he could just blame others, if he could just rationalize it, his heart would be more at ease.

My eldest son, armored with a hard and cold outer shell but soft inside, can’t do that.

Rather than wasting his emotions on negatively judging and hating others, he’s saying it’s better to just torment himself.

“But accepting doesn’t mean I affirm my mother. For me, the mother who gave birth to me is rather closer to a complete stranger. Rather…”

Kardiel’s gaze now clearly fixed on me.

Lightly holding the handkerchief I gave him, he gently covered my hand resting on the table with his other hand.

“You have been more of a mother to me.”

Ah…

“Just as you have always cherished and loved me and my siblings like your own children.”

My chest churned as if about to vomit.

“I regard you the same way.”

From my throat to the back of my neck, it stung and ached so much that I couldn’t come to my senses.

“You are… the guardian I love more than anyone else.”

Like a broken doll, I forgot what to say and blurred my vision.

The child’s eyes, which had been cold as ice, softening at the corners looked dreamy like a scene from a dream.

“So it’s okay to make demands of me, and of us. No, you should rightfully do so. I’d like you to lean on me and depend on me as much as you want. Because that’s what I’m doing.”

Suddenly, Kardiel’s fingertips touched the corner of my eye.

Ah, only then could I understand why my vision had become blurry. The handkerchief was getting wet.

It’s a ridiculous situation.

Tears that didn’t fall even at Teacher Rogier’s funeral.

“If you don’t like ‘stepmother’, I’ll think of another title. ‘Mom’ is, well, a bit embarrassing but…”

He said he would practice if I liked it.

That’s what Kardiel said.

Is my heart malfunctioning? It felt like the emotion box I thought I had put away well had been flipped over with its lock undone.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t unpleasant.

Because he’s my son. Because it’s in front of my son.

In front of someone I don’t need to hide from or pretend for.

What does it matter if I’m a stepmother?

What does it matter what other title we use?

No matter what others say, it doesn’t matter if it’s the title that fits us best.

I hugged Kardiel tightly.

It didn’t matter what flowed down my cheeks. I welcomed my shoulder getting wet before I knew it.

I love my children.

And my children…

…love me too.