As If I've Never Loved - Chapter 79

Lowering his voice, Arthur added the rest of his words.

It was a tone that hinted at a subtle irritation towards the aristocratic gentleman who was appointed as a captain in the intelligence department almost simultaneously with his graduation from the military academy.

“Of course, the person you serve is of noble status, so he will be exempt.”

“I rather welcome it. If I’m drafted as a support force, the allowance is substantial.”

However, Bruce only responded in a nonchalant tone.

“Honor alone is not enough. I don’t want to be ashamed in front of the woman I love.”

“Oh? Speak of the devil, there he goes.”

At that moment, Arthur spotted Captain Blaine walking down the corridor.

Judging by his hair, which was always neatly fixed but now appeared wet as if he had just washed it, and his attire without the uniform jacket, it seemed that he had run laps in the training ground within the office during lunch today as well.

“I have something to report to the captain, so I’ll take my leave now.”

“Ah, please go ahead.”

As Arthur and his companions saluted, Bruce nodded his head and turned his body, heading towards the intelligence department office.

The superior was a man with a perfect background.

So, if he appeared to be in a foul mood recently, it must be solely due to the matter between Bert and the Empire.

‘Unlike me, who is in constant anguish every day due to the lack of wealth compared to the lady’s family, his circumstances would be different.’

As the clerk said, even among fellow soldiers, the nobility was openly given privileges, which was the reality here.

However, in the case of Ansel Blaine, it might be a little different. He was the heir to a prestigious military family.

In order to solidify the prestige of the family, the possibility of him volunteering for the dispatch was not small.

‘Of course, as the only son, you must have a lot on your mind……’

So, it was perhaps natural for him to appear unusually sharp, as if he had lost his composure.

In fact, when it comes to matters that could trouble a young man, love affairs are a prime example, but this hypothesis was quickly dismissed from the lieutenant’s mind.

As the only person here who knew about Captain Blaine’s secret romance, Bruce was confident that his love front was still intact.

After all, the captain’s lover, whom he had coincidentally met near the square some time ago, looked extremely free and happy.

She was covered in sweat and looked a mess, as if she had just come from somewhere, but she was still as fresh as a newly bloomed flower.

‘Come to think of it, even on the day I escorted her to the private residence on the captain’s orders, she had an unadorned and humble appearance. Perhaps that’s what captured his heart.’

Despite being in a relationship that the world wouldn’t leave alone, she showed no signs of being intimidated.

Instead of desperately struggling to belong to her lover’s world, she retained her pure and free original self.

It must be a testament to the healthy and mature love they share.

It was vastly different from me, who was floundering like a fish out of water after falling for the daughter of a landlord.

The lieutenant admired the two people who loved each other without losing their true selves, while deeply rooting for them in his heart.

So, he sincerely hoped that they could bear the fruit of their love someday.

Although they were no different from secret lovers now, and the path to marriage would not be smooth, the two clearly loved each other.

It would be that love alone that could alleviate his superior’s anxiety.

Meanwhile, Ansel, who had returned to his seat, had his face resting on his clasped hands, lost in thought.

He remained motionless for a long time, appearing as if he had fallen asleep at first glance. However, the light in his eyes, visible above his clasped hands, was as sharp as a gale.

Perhaps because of that, despite the afternoon being a rare one with good sunshine outside, a chilling tension lingered in the office.

“Captain, here is the report on the allied forces’ strength.”

“Leave it there.”

He didn’t even look at the adjutant’s face.

Bruce, who silently bowed his head, placed the report on an empty spot among the piles of documents.

He hoped that his superior would find solace by thinking of his lovely lady.

However, unfortunately, it was that very lovely lady who had recently plunged the captain into deep anguish.

Especially last night’s events……

“Phew.”

All day long, Ansel had been out of his mind because of a certain lady who was stubborn, unnecessarily brazen, dishonest, and loved her family more than herself, living in his house.

To the point where he couldn’t focus on anything, despite the mountain of work piled up.

He had once heard from Eloise’s mother that the reason she had gone to the capital was to find a good husband.

Upon hearing those words, he had turned everything upside down and came to the capital, miraculously finding her.

Of course, the process had been painful, but he thought it didn’t matter.

Because he had learned that the reason she had come to the capital was because of her feelings for him.

To be precise, it was to get rid of those feelings, but anyway, she was still by his side, and Ansel intended to change her mind before it was too late. That’s why he waited.

However, instead of getting closer to Eloise, they only clashed.

Just when he was starting to feel doubts about what he was enduring and waiting for……

‘But that has nothing to do with you.’

With those words, Ansel completely crumbled.

No, if it had been just those words, it might have been okay.

However, the problem was that Eloise’s eyes held a transparent anxiety as she said those words.

As if she was hiding something.

‘It seems like some foreign substance got attached. Whether it was at the factory or the square……’

His heart was already like a dam ready to overflow at any moment. Ansel desperately confessed his love.

He urged her to just accept him.

He got down on his knees and begged. But what he received in return was a gaze filled with sorrow and words that she could never forgive him.

Leaving behind those words like shards of broken glass, she left.

As if it was too burdensome to even face him. As if warning that she could leave like this at any time.

‘Why?’

Although it might have been slightly distorted, he clearly saw love in those eyes. If she clearly loves me, why won’t she accept me?

He was ready to be hers forever with just one arrogant gesture, as he had pleaded to be her lifelong servant.

‘Have you already forgotten what you did to my family?’

It’s disappointing that you still think that way, but surely you don’t expect me to go to them and apologize on my knees, do you? If I don’t want to do that, does it become a reason to kill this love?

‘It doesn’t make sense.’

Regardless of the difference in status, there’s no reason to apologize for something that doesn’t require an apology, so how does it change anything if I forcibly bow my head? How does that become a reason for not being able to have you? What are you doing this for……

“I don’t understand……”

The moment a distant sigh dispersed, a dark shadow loomed in front of Ansel.

Looking up, he saw the face of Lieutenant Bruce.

“Captain.”

“……”

He had lost his way in his thoughts again, not realizing how much time had passed.

Ansel rubbed his tired eyes and reproached himself.

He could easily guess how pathetic he must look in the eyes of his subordinate without even asking.

He had not reviewed any agenda or signed any documents all day long.

They were both busy, so he must have come to urge for approval, or perhaps there was another new agenda……

“I’m sorry. What is it?”

As Ansel straightened his posture and asked in a hoarse voice, a look of embarrassment spread across the lieutenant’s eyes.

“Uh, aren’t you going back? The time……”

Only then did Ansel realize that a dusky evening had descended outside.

Time had steadily flowed, leaving him behind as if he had forgotten how to walk, and before he knew it, it was the season of short days.

Ansel was originally known for arriving at the office earlier than anyone else. And when the time came, he would mechanically tidy up his seat and rise like clockwork.

To the point where one could tell the time just by seeing Captain Blaine leaving the office.

Yet today, he had been sitting at his desk as if he was malfunctioning. That’s how deep his worries must be.

“Captain.”

“……We should go.”

We should go, indeed. She must be waiting.

No, she might not be home. She left so heartlessly, as if she could never forgive me, as if she could leave at any time.

Although he had confirmed that she hadn’t left the mansion overnight, she might not come back anymore.

Yesterday’s conversation was as frustrating and painful as one between people speaking different languages.

Surely you must have felt it too. That’s why you looked at me with those eyes……

“Shall I tell them that you’ll be leaving right away? The coachman is here.”

“……”

After a moment of silence, the captain seemed to have finished his thoughts and picked up the military cap placed on the desk. His answer surprised the subordinate.

“Send him back.”

“Pardon?”

“I feel like walking a bit today.”

Having said that, Ansel left the office, leaving behind the bowing lieutenant.

The main gate would be quite busy with people and carriages leaving the office, but the back gate behind the building was quiet.

Passing through the arch with two lions roaring, he thought about home.

The place he had to return to every evening. In fact, for some time now, she had been his home.

Ansel learned from her that a person could be a home.

Every evening, when Eloise lightly descended the stairs and briskly entered the dining room, he always smelled the scent of roses.

Then, without fail, his heart would beat loudly and riotously.

In order to suppress the desire to deeply inhale that fragrance while holding her and burying his face in her neck, he had to watch her every action without missing even the smallest detail.

Only then could he maintain his composure to some extent.

Ansel had clearly endured a long time of loving her without being able to have her.

However, once he brought her into a place just for the two of them, without status, family, or the eyes of the world, letting her go again had become an unimaginable thing.

He had said he would bear it, that she could take everything away, that he would compensate for it all, but she ran away with a hurt face.

It was driving him crazy.

He thought she wanted it too, so why were the people far away holding her back?

Was family just an excuse? Did I misunderstand from the beginning?

Unanswerable questions clawed at his reason fiercely.

The desire to rush home and see her immediately and the fear that she might have already disappeared without a trace were mixed together, making his mind completely turbid.

‘What if she met a man at that damn factory? So she doesn’t even spare a glance at someone like me……’

No, there’s no need for him to be a colleague from the factory.

Even when you were sitting in a corner of the square crying like a lost kitten, you were so damn pretty.

“……”

At that moment, Ansel suddenly stopped walking.