As If I've Never Loved - Chapter 49

‘I should take care of her with love.’

With that thought, he was smiling with utmost satisfaction when Eloise suddenly raised her head.

As Ansel readily met her eyes, her jewel-like blue eyes sparkled with a hint of tension. However, Eloise didn’t back down and opened her mouth. It seemed she had finally made up her mind.

“…I have something to tell you.”

“In the middle of eating?”

It was a languid counter-question. Nevertheless, he slowly rested his chin as if he was willing to listen.

His gaze was so intense that Eloise felt the urge to turn her eyes back to the plate.

But in fact, while drying her hair, she had steeled her resolve to clearly convey her intentions, only to get distracted by the lavish dishes and become engrossed in the meal, and now she suddenly felt ashamed of herself.

In order for the words she was about to say to be convincing, she couldn’t afford to lose any more of her reason.

A transparent wall quietly gained strength.

“I wasn’t really hungry.”

“Is that so?”

“I ate because I was flustered by your offer to feed me. And you put in the effort… Making food is not an easy task. Especially such delicious dishes…”

The beautifully reddened lips were busy making excuses, but for someone saying that, her face looked too happy as she diligently brought the food to her mouth.

Moreover, she was still tightly holding the silver tableware. It seemed she had no intention of ever putting it down. As if it was the most cherished object in the world to her.

Ansel chuckled without resistance.

At that laugh, Eloise’s eyes slightly furrowed in confusion, and he, who had changed his mind to obediently play along, soon erased his smile.

“Alright. What did you want to say?”

Eloise’s following words instantly plunged his mood into the mud.

“Thanks to your kindness, I am here now, and it’s true that I am grateful for that kindness, but I won’t be staying here for long.”

“What do you mean by that? Speak so I can understand.”

“I will only be here until I find a place to stay.”

Find a place to stay. If this wasn’t a place to stay, then what was it? She couldn’t possibly be saying she would leave here, could she? When I finally found you again.

When his thoughts reached that point, Eloise added in a small voice.

“Until I have money, that is.”

“Until you have money.”

“I will find a job soon.”

At that, Ansel’s expression, which had been unusually relaxed, hardened in an instant. He asked in a chilling low voice, as if he was angry.

“What kind of job are you talking about?”

“…”

Eloise shrank her shoulders at that sharpness, but soon gathered her courage and straightened her posture. Strength entered her fine wheat-colored eyebrows.

“When you came to the place I was staying last summer, I was working then, too. But… Now that I think about it, losing that job was all because of you.”

“…”

“So while I am grateful for your temporary shelter, I won’t be entirely thankful. Because it seems you are somewhat responsible for my current situation.”

Ansel couldn’t fully understand what Eloise was saying.

But one thing was certain: thanks to the words she had just shared, his mood had considerably softened.

“I don’t know what you mean by losing your job because of me, but anyway, it seems things turned out the way I wanted.”

“…”

“No need for gratitude. Just stay here as if it’s natural.”

“…Pardon?”

Eloise quickly noticed that his mood had changed.

Why does he suddenly look happy? Her brows furrowed involuntarily with puzzlement.

“I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Why, you ask…”

Blinking blankly for a moment, Eloise continued as if she would listen to any absurd words.

“How can I stay as if it’s natural? For an unmarried man and woman to live together in the same house—”

“Let’s get married, then.”

“Ansel!”

At that moment, Eloise shouted. It was an unintended rudeness, but she didn’t apologize.

It had been a life filled with shining happiness. It was his false proposal that easily shattered that life.

That proposal, which meant nothing to him, which didn’t matter who the other person was, had ruined everything.

Her eyes, which had been endlessly transparent, were now filled with anger and some degree of hatred.

Ansel vaguely understood the reason. He thought an additional explanation was necessary right after.

“I tried to deceive you as if I had never loved you. Just as you said. I certainly tried. I just failed.”

“…”

“How was that even possible in the first place?”

“…Your effort must have been lacking.”

“I loved you at first sight. Not a single day was missed. Even now, I recall the day we swam in the lake together.”

At those words, Eloise’s lips slowly closed.

“I wanted to be submerged there forever that day.”

“…”

How could she forget? That day was the first time she went to the lake with him alone, without Sarah or Archibald.

Everything about that afternoon was magical.

They only needed to meet each other’s eyes; no particular conversation was necessary between them. As if they had become two fish.

Eloise remembered how beautiful Ansel was, emitting a white and bluish light underwater.

She had also swum deep along his white and straight legs as if enchanted.

When she came out of the water in a hurry, short of breath, the colors of the afternoon had already deepened.

Under the tilted sun, they had silently faced each other. Swaying in the gently surging waves, she had taken in the scenery of only his face and the blue ripples for a long time.

In his eyes, resembling early summer, there were only her and the blue currents. All the light in the world was in those eyes.

Why didn’t she know at that time that it was love? Perhaps because she was too young.

Yes. It was now a memory from too long ago. Like a summer that had ended, it had all passed now.

“…I didn’t.”

As Eloise put the tableware down on the plate, a clear sound rang through the quiet dining room. Her empty hands were tightly clasped on her knees.

“I didn’t love you.”

Eloise’s eyes were inevitably filled with a painful light as she said those words.

It was painful to recall the futile past days and to hear the sweet and empty words of the man she once loved more than anything.

She had no intention of questioning whether his words were true or not.

She had also heard from Archibald that Ansel Blaine had already been in love with her since then.

However, this man was a being from a different world.

Even if there were a few more mistakes in the future, in the end, he would walk the path that had been foreseen from the beginning, with a noble aristocratic woman, according to the will of his family.

Because a duck cannot be a swan’s mate.

Even if they were attracted to each other’s differences and secretly mingled in a corner of the lake for a while, in the end, he would return to the flock of swans.

They belonged to different worlds. When he had enjoyed enough and abruptly left, only a scarred heart would be left behind.

‘Just as you did to Sally.’

At that moment, Ansel loosened the cravat around his neck. His gaze and voice had also deepened a little.

“Why are you lying? You loved me too.”

“…”

“You definitely did. To some extent.”

He added in a low voice.

“You said so that day.”

“Back then…”

At that moment, Eloise recalled the memory of that night when the summer rain fell silently.

‘As if nothing had happened. As if I would forget when I closed my eyes.’

The fact that her sister’s marriage had been broken because of her was enough to completely take away her reason.

So it wouldn’t be strange if she accidentally let slip a piece of her hidden true feelings.

‘Let’s live as if we never loved each other.’

Yes. She had certainly said that. It was actually a word to herself as well.

But whatever it was, just because it was a true feeling that had already leaked out, it didn’t mean she could ignore it.

It was surprising that he was clinging to that single word like a ray of hope cast in the darkness, but it remained a feeling that needed to be hidden.

“No, you’re wrong. There must have been some misunderstanding. The reason I am here now is because there was no other immediate option…”

“…”

Ansel only met her gaze and didn’t ask anything back. It was as if he was looking at something very deep and distant.

Then naturally, a heavy silence hung in the dining room. The sound of closed lips parting could be heard.

“As embarrassing as it is, while a deposit is difficult, I will somehow pay the monthly rent. By quickly finding a job—”

“Are you joking now?”

Only then did Ansel speak.

As befitting a body born with elegant dignity, he neither raised his voice nor flushed his face, but he was clearly angry.

It was a fact that Eloise, who was receiving his sharply honed gaze with her whole body, could not possibly fail to notice.

Indeed, for a noble aristocrat, receiving money from a commoner with nothing might be felt as a kind of insult. It must have always been the opposite that was natural.

Eloise, who had reached that conclusion without much difficulty, calmly replied.

“Then I will do chores. Will that do?”

“Even though I left the family, I have enough to keep servants. Do you think the one who guided you was a ghost?”

“…”

Eloise tightly gripped the hem of her apron.

Because it was always a daunting task to face his flawless gaze head-on without avoiding it.

But now she had to confront him.

“Still, I can’t stay here without any compensation. That’s something I can’t accept.”

Eloise, who had been stubborn since childhood, was remarkably unchanged even now that she was an adult.

Although she sometimes disliked that about herself, anyway, she didn’t know how to bend her beliefs as long as she believed she was right.

Even if the man in front of her coldly pressed her again.

“Fine.”

But the answer that came back was somehow a little softened.

“Then shall I entrust you with a job? I happen to have something suitable.”