As If I've Never Loved - Chapter 38

“I heard about Mr. Ansel from Archibald not long ago. That day, for the first time… I felt resentful towards my family, who are neither nobles nor anything else.”

She lowered her head and finally burst into tears.

“If it weren’t for my elder sister, I wouldn’t have had to reject him. I had such terrible thoughts…”

“Eloise!”

The moment Mrs. Bailey’s shocked cry rang out, a stream of tears flowed down Eloise’s fair cheeks.

However, she neither sobbed nor whimpered. She simply wiped her tears quietly in front of her dumbfounded family and continued speaking in a calm tone.

“It was only for a moment. But I couldn’t forgive myself for even having such thoughts. I know well that I’m broken. That’s why I plan to leave this place for a while.”

“…”

“No matter how long it takes, I will forget that person. It doesn’t make sense to live with someone in my heart who has deeply hurt our entire family. Anyway, they will never acknowledge me. So I don’t want to cling to foolish illusions.”

“…I understand what you’re trying to say. But does it have to be the capital?”

Mrs. Bailey asked with a sigh, speaking on behalf of Mr. Bailey, who had turned deathly pale.

She seemed unable to ignore the fact that Eloise still had lingering feelings for Ansel.

It wasn’t that she doubted her daughter’s sincerity. The target of her doubt was Ansel Blaine.

He had thrown away a grand wedding involving his maternal grandfather, the Earl, overnight and sought out his fiancée’s younger sister.

It was a course of action that could only be explained as insanity.

There was no way of knowing what words he had whispered to Eloise that day after causing such suffering to the family with his reckless behavior.

Moreover, Eloise had said she had held him in her heart for a long time, so Mrs. Bailey was deeply worried that her young and innocent daughter might be swayed by his sweet talk.

“I understand your desire to be away from this area, but the kingdom is quite vast, isn’t it? There’s no need to go all the way to the capital.”

“That’s right, Elsy. If you want to clear your mind, why not a seaside village… or how about Luden, where your aunt lives?”

Mr. Bailey joined in the persuasion, even mentioning his estranged sister.

There was a sense of desperation in the smile he had struggled to form by lifting the corners of his trembling lips.

Of course, Eloise had anticipated this kind of reaction, so she immediately parted her lips.

“More important than leaving home, I think, is standing on my own feet. I have a place to return to in Brightnum, so there’s no reason to worry. Even if something happens, it’s also the place with the most opportunities…”

“…”

It was the truth without a single lie, but her family probably wanted a different answer.

Eloise took a deep breath and continued speaking with a determined expression, as if to reassure her family.

“So going to the capital isn’t because of that person. Seeing how he didn’t chase after me that day even though he could have, it seems his deviation ended there.”

“Eloise, but later on…”

“If he intends to come looking for me again, he will find me no matter where I am, whether it’s the capital or anywhere else. He will have enough ability to do so. In that sense, wouldn’t Brightnum, with its large population, be safer? The countless eyes on the streets will keenly observe his misdeeds, and I can hide among the people.”

Unable to refute that statement, Mr. and Mrs. Bailey simultaneously held their foreheads.

The couple simply found the entire situation miserable and regrettable.

Meanwhile, Sarah, who was sitting primly in her seat, still remained silent with her gaze lowered.

But did that really mean she had nothing to say?

“…Elder sister.”

Eloise was inwardly afraid but decided to muster up her courage.

“Do you perhaps have anything to say to me?”

Her voice trembled a little. But her eyes looking at Sarah were unwavering and straight.

She wanted to clearly convey that she wasn’t asking with a half-hearted intention.

Eloise had known for a long time that Sarah liked Ansel.

Since a very long time ago. Her dense elder sister probably only realized today that her only younger sister had loved that man, even when he was her fiancé.

“You said you don’t resent me and you’re not angry, but I…”

Even if she fell from the sky, it wouldn’t be strange for her elder sister, but it didn’t make sense for her not to be angry even in this situation.

If someone suddenly became the protagonist of the wedding of the century, walking on clouds, and then experienced a breakup in an unimaginable way, no one would be unaffected.

Moreover, if it stemmed from none other than a sibling, how could one not feel resentful?

The only younger sister, who had been cherished like a treasure all her life, not only failed to reciprocate that love but even shamelessly deceived her elder sister.

So how could she not want to blame her?

“That’s enough, Eloise. Do you still not know your elder sister?”

At that moment, Mrs. Bailey interrupted the conversation with a look of exasperation. Her voice, tinged with evident fatigue, was slightly on edge. Eloise asked earnestly in return.

“…But how can she not be angry in this situation?”

Throughout the summer, there had been endless absurd rumors circulating due to Ansel’s unilateral proposal.

Eloise clearly remembered how her elder sister’s shoulders trembled like a delicate wildflower whenever a false rumor reached her ears.

Let alone this preposterous breakup.

“People won’t simply ignore it. They must have been gossiping recklessly wherever they went…”

Outside, terrible rumors were likely still continuing, and perhaps even now, new speculations were being generated somewhere.

While she was escaping reality and falling into a deep sleep, her elegant mother must have slammed the dining table in frustration several times already.

“Even I feel overwhelmed and distressed by this whole situation and shut myself in my room, so how can my elder sister, the person directly involved, attend church every week without fail? It’s strange.”

“…”

It couldn’t be to find solace by listening to sermons, and in the first place, there was no way she, who always blushed whenever she went to crowded places, would find comfort in a church bustling with people.

Especially now, when it was obvious that gazes and whispers directed at her would be waiting wherever she went…

“The elder sister I’ve known all my life may be sparse with expressions, but she’s not an insensitive person. There’s no way she can be unaffected. Say something, elder sister. Please?”

“Eloise. I’m fine.”

Sarah, who had been listening to Eloise’s words calmly, finally opened her mouth.

“So instead of worrying about me, focus on preparing to leave home.”

“Fine, how…? Sometimes I don’t understand your feelings, elder sister. Whenever I feel like you’re not being honest with me, it’s as if there’s a wall between us.”

“How could I ever lie to you?”

Eloise clenched her fists tightly at the voice that was as calm as a lake on a windless day.

‘I can’t understand…’

There was no way she could be fine after going through this, yet she was silently holding her place without revealing any emotions.

It was a completely different attitude from herself, who found it difficult to even stand upright with a shattered heart.

How much resolve did her elder sister need?

‘Even though she’s only two years older than me.’

Eloise, who struggled to protect herself, found her elder sister, who was still protecting the family even after experiencing all of this, both amazing and worrisome.

What kind of feelings was she going through day by day?

“I understand not wanting to worry Mom and Dad. But if you hide everything from me too, where will you let out your weakness and where will you cry, elder sister? Where will you run away to?”

Eloise asked in a sorrowful tone, as if determined to hear the answer she wanted, and the couple looked at Sarah’s reaction, not knowing what to do.

There had never been such tense tension between the two daughters who were unusually close to each other.

“I’m not hiding it.”

“If you’re not hiding it…!”

“Do you want me to cry here? Would you like it if I resented you in front of you?”

“Oh, my dears.”

Finally, Mrs. Bailey called out to her two daughters, raising both hands in confusion.

“What’s the point of hurting each other’s feelings over this? Since Sarah says she’s fine, just…”

“Anyway, it’s something that happened because of me. I can’t leave like this. Resent me instead, Sally. I need to see you becoming more at ease…”

The reason Eloise decided to go to the capital was also ultimately to feel better.

Putting aside her words about living for her family for a moment. So at the very least, she didn’t want her elder sister to endure the pain alone for her sake.

She wanted her to let it all out and feel relieved.

As Eloise refused to back down, Mr. Bailey, who had been watching the situation with a troubled expression, opened his mouth.

“This isn’t something that happened because of you, Elsy. Both your mother and I feel a heavy responsibility. We were too greedy. From the beginning, he was a partner unfit for our status…”

The head of the Bailey family lowered his head in a shabby manner.

With those miserable words, the precarious dinner finally came to an end.

Eloise returned straight to her bedroom with a complex mixture of disappointment, frustration, and guilt towards Sarah, who refused to reveal her true feelings until the end.

Then, thinking that her elder sister would follow and comfort her, she waited for Sarah, but eventually fell asleep.

How much time had passed like that? Eloise groggily opened her eyes to the touch of someone caressing her cheek.

Despite the pitch-black night, Eloise could immediately tell it was Sarah.

In the darkness, Sarah stroked her face and kissed her cheek countless times, whispering.

Protecting the family as the eldest daughter was everything to her now. Someday, Eloise would come to understand these feelings.

In that gentle warmth, Eloise drifted off to sleep. It was a dreamy night, like a faint dream.