As If I've Never Loved - Chapter 28

It was only when she half-opened the door that Eloise realized the identity of that scent was bergamot.

She should have stopped there.

At least then, she could have gone on without knowing that a man who shouldn’t be here this evening had come looking for her.

“How……”

A voice, barely audible and half-cracked, escaped.

Her wheat-colored eyebrows furrowed in disbelief at the man before her eyes.

“How are you here?”

Amidst the misty drizzle, Ansel Blaine stood there, with the twilight of the street behind him.

Dressed in a black coat, he seemed surreal, as if he were a being molded from gathered distant darkness.

Nevertheless, his face alone was as white and elegant as the moon in the night sky. The clear raindrops clinging to his long eyelashes were particularly vivid.

In the pale green eyes beneath, only she was wholly reflected.

Was she dreaming? Surely today, a wedding must have been held at Fairmont House…

Her thoughts simply wouldn’t align.

But for him to be here, a place that couldn’t possibly be reached within a day even riding at full speed from Longfield…

“I love you.”

At that moment, Eloise froze, unable to utter any response. He spoke again.

“I am in love with you, Eloise.”

“… Are you mad?”

She asked back in a voice like a suppressed scream, but his face remained as calm as a sculpture made of marble.

With a seemingly deliberate composure, Ansel continued.

“I had intended to keep it hidden for life. I was determined not to reveal these feelings to anyone, not even to you.”

“An…”

“But I could no longer suppress it. Even if this only serves to fuel your contempt for me, I must now end this war-like torment.”

His voice, which started low and calm, grew more urgent with each sentence. His chest heaved greatly.

With eyes like those of a warrior facing a formidable and terrifying enemy, he parted his lips again.

“From the beginning until now, I have loved only you.”

“……”

In this situation that felt utterly unreal, while instinctively denying everything she was seeing and hearing, Eloise couldn’t stop herself from unconsciously inhaling his scent. As if it were the last breath left to her, so desperately.

In dreams or idle fantasies, he would often confess his love.

Each time, instead of answering, Eloise would hold him tightly.

She was just so happy that even if her heart burst from the overwhelming feeling in her chest, it would have been fine.

But now she knew. The reason those confessions felt beautiful was precisely because they weren’t real.

“What about the wedding?”

It probably wasn’t an appropriate response. But Eloise wasn’t happy, nor could she calmly invite him inside, soaked in rain as he was.

Eloise just glared at him with eyes like those of a wounded animal.

Her two hands, which she hadn’t managed to clench, were trembling in the air.

“Answer me! My sister who was engaged to you…”

Ansel, as if pained by the sight of her, looked up at the distant night sky.

After a moment, his gaze, having swept through his jet-black hair now even darker with moisture, slowly returned to its place.

To the second daughter of the Bailey family, whose lips were quivering finely.

“It was bound to end up like this anyway. You were all I ever wanted.”

“… You’re mad…”

All sorts of thoughts and memories jumbled together chaotically.

With her mind hazy as if in a fog, it was utterly impossible to come to her senses.

You, who were not only the object of my ardent admiration for many years but ultimately made me leave home of my own accord, were actually in love with me?

Since when?

There was no shortage of questions she wanted to ask, but Eloise didn’t ask him anything.

At least she knew from his unwavering gaze that this confession was not a lie.

It was those very eyes that she had loved more than anything in her faded jewel box.

Eloise felt a strange ache in one corner of her heart at the realization that her anger and resentment were greater than her surprise at his sincerity.

She felt somewhat empty as well.

Unfortunately, this was the kind of story that was only enjoyable in her imagination, or in dreams. Something that should never become reality…

“… Go back.”

She uttered a trembling word, but Ansel gave no reply. Eloise couldn’t hold back anymore and shouted.

“Go back! Go back right now and fix everything, please!”

Then the man spoke in a monotone voice.

“It’s too late. I’ve abandoned everything and come.”

“You… You didn’t even go to the wedding? To my family… What have you done to my sister…”

Eloise, who had finally begun to sob, collapsed helplessly to the ground.

Ansel quickly caught her as she nearly fell onto the rain-soaked stone steps.

Even in this lifeless city, Eloise’s body still carried a faint scent of roses.

Whether it was an illusion or not had never mattered from the start. Ansel simply wanted to bury his face in the crook of her white neck.

“… Let go!”

At that moment, Eloise pushed the man away and let out a sorrowful wail.

Her azure eyes poured out tears. Her pale hands beat against his chest wildly, but with no strength behind them.

Eloise cried out, overcome with resentment.

“Then why did you propose to my sister? Why on earth!”

“Because my family was everything to me!”

As Ansel shouted, unable to contain his agitated emotions, Eloise’s tear-stained lips pressed tightly together.

A light of contempt finally settled in her gem-like transparent eyes.

“My family didn’t want to be involved with your household, but they allowed it for the eldest daughter. At first, I didn’t care. Whether it was Miss Bailey or anyone else my family chose, it would be a loveless marriage all the same.”

“Then why…”

“But if I married her, I would be able to keep seeing you in the future.”

Ah. Eloise sighed silently.

“That’s how I intended to stay by your side, even if it meant doing so.”

“……”

At a loss for words, Eloise looked at the man before her with an indescribable feeling.

In front of the door of the two-story house where ivy vines hung, the two of them stood gazing at each other, caught in the drizzle that slanted down like streaks beneath the eaves.

As the bergamot scent caressed her cheeks like an intoxicating shackle, a chill ran down her spine.

At that moment, Ansel slowly leaned in closer. It seemed as though their lips might touch at any moment.

When Eloise, terrified, unconsciously held her breath, he made a faint self-deprecating remark. It was the end of a moment that had felt like an eternity.

Only then could Eloise distance herself from him, as if waking from a light sleep.

And then, as if fleeing from a terrible quagmire, a trap, a nightmare, she ran into the house.

Bang, as she roughly closed the front door, a cat let out a thin cry.

“Huff, hah…”

Her whole body trembled. She finally realized that her rain-soaked body had cooled to an icy chill.

“Cold…”

But this was no time to stand still.

Eloise urged her body, which felt like it might shatter, to run up the wooden stairs with all her might.

She frantically removed her wet clothes, throwing them aside, and hurriedly put on her outdoor attire, stuffing a handkerchief and money into her pockets.

In her haste, her dress wasn’t neat, but appearances weren’t important right now.

The fact that she had to go to work tomorrow was not an issue right now. There was only one thought in Eloise’s mind.

‘Sister.’

When she left the house again, the night had grown even darker, but the rain had stopped.

It was a small mercy in the midst of misfortune. To catch the stagecoach to Longfield, she would have to walk quite a distance from here.

The man, soaked to the bone, was still standing guard in front of the door.

Though her heart raced wildly at his vivid presence, she turned her gaze straight ahead as if Ansel were invisible.

The man confessing to her had seemed like a madman. She had never seen Ansel like this before. But now she had no energy to think about him.

She didn’t even have the presence of mind to question when he had planned such a thing, or how he had found and come to this place.

Having so ostentatiously overturned what was to be such a grand wedding, her sister’s path to marriage was essentially blocked.

While a broken engagement was a blemish on both parties involved, it was entirely different for those with power.

They always had ways and solutions.

So he probably thought he had merely made a mistake that could be quickly smoothed over, being the sole heir of a great family. But in reality, he had ruined the future of the Bailey family.

Sensational rumors and labels would torment the family for a long time to come.

Thinking of Sarah, who would have to bear the brunt of it all, made her choke with rising anger.

“…Eloise.”

At that moment, the voice of the hateful man calling her name desperately scattered into the cold summer night.

It was once a voice she had imagined dozens of times a day.

His hand gently grasped Eloise’s wrist. The moment their eyes met, tears suddenly welled up.

Only when she saw the pained light in his eyes did Eloise realize she was crying.

They were tears whose meaning she herself could not define.

“Nothing happened. Whether you agree or not, that is how I will consider it.”

Eloise freed her hand from his. Then, turning her gaze to the distant night street she had to walk, she answered.

Although tears were falling steadily, she put strength into each word so as not to appear any weaker…

“As if nothing happened. As if we could forget when we close our eyes. Let’s live as if we never loved each other.”

“……”

“We can do that.”

With those final words, Eloise descended the stairs with apparent bravery.

With each trembling step, she desperately hoped he wouldn’t hold her back, as she had no more words to give him.

Finally, at the bottom of the stairs, Eloise turned back, drawn by some irresistible force.

Was it because of the rain? He looked as though he were crying as he watched her.

But even as she turned back and hurried her steps, even as the distance between them gradually widened until she could no longer return to him, there was no voice calling from behind her.

It was fortunate. Although it was quite troublesome that her tears simply wouldn’t stop…

“Haa, ha……”

An immense sadness surged like waves at her feet.

Eloise ran forward with all her might, kicking off the ground. Before being helplessly swallowed by this black sea.

It was a night when life seemed to have shattered into pieces. The days of believing in love felt so distant.