Since Jun didn’t resist, I, who had been barely hanging onto his hand, pulled him back into an embrace. Jun, who had flinched for a moment, spoke with a tired voice as if suppressing his emotions.
“Haah… Iharu. Seriously, let go of this. I don’t want to force you, so just let go now.”
“All my beginnings were with you.”
“…What?”
“Even though I know the word ‘love.’ Even though I’ve learned the feelings encapsulated in that word. I learned it not as a word but as an emotion, not as a word but as a heart, after meeting you.”
“…Yeah. I guess that could happen. It’s not like I don’t know that I was your first. And then, after that, your second, third, fourth men probably taught you well. When your heart was filled with them instead of me. Because I didn’t know that, now you…”
“No. You were my only first. The first of this emotion. The irreplaceable first.”
At that moment, Jun’s heart began to beat rapidly.
“As you know, yeah. I’ve met many men even when you weren’t by my side.”
“…Do I have to keep hearing this?”
“So, I was sorry. To those men.”
“…You want to talk about those men while being in my arms.”
I decided to convey my feelings without caring.
“Never once did I love those men. Because I couldn’t feel any emotion, not one, that I felt while loving you, toward those men.”
“Iharu, what are you saying…”
“Because I can’t forget you. But I can’t meet you again. However, this feeling of liking you doesn’t wither away even as time passes. So, that’s why I didn’t reject those men I liked.”
Jun remained silent. I didn’t dare to scrutinize his expression yet. Holding onto Jun’s chest, I continued talking.
“They said let’s date, agreed, and then when I tried to hold hands, he looked disgusted. He made excuses like having to work late when he said he would come to the company. So, I was really sorry to those men. Because I can’t forget you. Because I can only love you.”
Even in the midst of saying this, I was still tightly hugging Jun as if I were hanging onto his body alone.
But at that moment, Jun’s arm around me tightened, and the touch of his arm encircling behind my back made my shoulders shudder. It was a desire, a touch that wanted to penetrate much deeper into his chest, wanting to make me nestled in his arms even more seamlessly than I was now.
“Say it again.”
“What, say what?”
“That I can only love you, just now.”
“Even though you heard it correctly…”
“You heard it, so pinpoint and say it again.”
There seemed to be some logic, but it was typical of Jun to coerce with awkward reasons. So, it was reassuring.
Jun was always like that. When he was confident in my affection, he persistently sought even a single word of love. However, when that confidence was about to crumble, he didn’t demand anything. He didn’t force me to confirm if he truly loved me or to show it properly.
Knowing that gap well, my shoulders, which were stiff with a sense of relief, relaxed. The reason for Jun’s questioning at times like this was the same. He just wanted to see my face, whispering love toward himself. Now I understand well. I hid the smile that emerged while relying on Jun’s chest.
“But, really.”
“Yeah, really.”
“No. Did those guys really prevent you from holding hands with me?”
“Hmm.”
“Hey. Are you laughing?”
“What can I do, then.”
“You haven’t answered yet.”
“Well… I don’t think so. Did we ever hold hands?”
“Iharu, don’t joke.”
I hugged Jun’s waist with the arms wrapped around him and exerted a bit more strength.
“Silly. How many times do I have to say it? For nine years, I’ve been continuously in love only with my first love. Even when I couldn’t see your face, I kept liking you, kept liking only you. Even if I tried not to like you, I always ended up returning to you like a boomerang.”
“…Then come back a little earlier.”
“Yeah… I should have done that for real.”
Jun’s lips descended over my head several times. As if my chest would burst if he didn’t express his love like this. Jun embraced me like that and kissed me.
“So, now, how about the understanding? What about that everything of yours being me? Holding hands and kissing, everything being the first time with me?”
“…I didn’t mean it in that way. Always thinking about such things…”
“I know. The meaning was that everything, making you know the emotion called love, making you measure its depth, all those firsts were with me. Your only love. Kim Jun.”
“…But still, I was listening well. To what I said.”
“All the words seem to flow like whispering, ‘Kim Jun, I love you.’ How can I just let them pass?”
There was a touch of emotion at the end of the words that I had been hearing without expecting a sentimental tone. It was overwhelming to think that your love was imbued in every word, and I couldn’t miss it.
Seeing your face, which is filled with satisfaction with my love, even with the faintest expression, was poignant.
It felt like my excuse of being awkward in expressing love had unintentionally fostered your habit of not expecting great love.
I wondered how fleeting the time was for you to feel my love.
“Jun.”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll tell you a lot from now on. Those kinds of words. Words that let you hear ‘I love you.'”
“…Just with words?”
“Ah… Of course, with sincerity filled in those words.”
“No, only thinking of saying it with words?”
“If not words?”
“Ha, never mind. What do I want from you?”
“If there’s something you want, say it. I’ll listen.”
“…Then. Should we go to sleep now?”
“Oh, tired. Go rest quickly. I didn’t think about it. Today, I won’t bother you at all, really.”
“Iharu. I said it’s okay.”
“Why are you angry?”
“I’m not.”
“You are.”
“I said I’m not.”
It was clear that we had just had a conversation full of love a little while ago. He seemed tired, so I even suggested he rest without bothering. I couldn’t understand why he suddenly seemed so displeased.
When scheming men desperately battle for her favor in the male harem
This one’s also on my reread list! The rivalry, scheming between the men in the imperial harem are just as intense and thrilling as in classic palace drama novels, where concubines fight to the death. Give it a read, girls! I promise you won’t be disappointed.
Synopsis:
“I am not worthy of her… but I still want to be by her side, even if only as a loyal dog…”
Those were the painful whispers of Yue Guanyi – the proud Crown Prince of the Great Qi, who was torn between deep love and a guilty conscience. Despite holding the supreme power of the Imperial Guard, he still could not forget the dark past when he was sold into a brothel.
Fate played a cruel twist when Qiu Shuzhi – a young female official who had just passed the imperial examinations with top honors – stepped into his life. She did not know that she was the one who had saved him from a tragic fate many years ago. And now, her heart was the target of pursuit for both Yue Guanyi and the powerful Empress Dowager Qin Qing.
While Yue Guanyi only dared to silently care for and protect the one he loved from afar, the Empress Dowager Qin Qing openly expressed his feelings and did not hesitate to take advantage of his power to approach Qiu Shuzhi. The covert struggle between the two most powerful forces in the imperial court began…
Trigger warning: All men in this novel are yandere style.
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