“Nurse Yoon, you’re starting day shifts from today, right?”

Head nurse Kyung Mi called out to Da Jung. Da Jung turned around with a smile.

At the hospital, she treats her with respect as a superior, but in fact, Kyung Mi has been like an elder sister to her since the moment she was born. Sometimes, when she looks after her more than her own brother Kyung Jun, Da Jung often feels sorry towards Kyung Jun. Of course, Kyung Jun doesn’t care about such things.

“Yes, ma’am.”

When her elder brother died and the family began to decline, Kyung Mi and Kyung Jun became Da Jung’s pillars of support. That’s why Da Jung thought of them as family.

Does one have to share blood to be family? Sharing hearts is just as difficult as sharing blood.

Kyung Mi flipped through the chart and gave instructions.

“Please check that the Labopa dosage for patient Im So Ra in room 701 has been lowered to 8 garts. Also, patient Kim Ji Sun in room 707 is to be moved to a private room.”

“Understood.”

“Take a break before it gets busy. Da Jung. Kim Hye Jin’s baby will be fine. Don’t worry too much.”

Kyung Mi was always greatly concerned about Da Jung whenever something bad happened in the obstetrics department. She knew better than anyone about Da Jung’s anxiety regarding life.

Though she’s much better now, when she first started working, she needed sleeping pills to sleep whenever something went wrong with the babies. Knowing Kyung Mi’s heart well, Da Jung answered bravely.

“Yes. Then I’ll have a cup of coffee.”

Hae Sal Yi will be discharged healthy. She decided to believe that on the day she saw Lee Jae Ho’s SNS. That’s why Da Jung could smile.

Three nurses gathered in the break room called out to Da Jung. They were Sun Ah, Yu Mi, and Young Sook, who were close to Da Jung. As Da Jung approached, they handed her a cup of coffee.

“Have some coffee. When else will you get to rest?”

“Thank you.”

“There are a lot of surgeries today. Dr. Kim alone has three. It’s going to be super busy in the afternoon.”

“C-sections?”

“No. Cerclage surgeries.”

The hospital floor varies depending on the type of surgery. C-sections for full-term births are assigned to the 8th floor, while cerclage surgeries for preventing premature births come to the 7th floor. One is a surgery to end pregnancy, the other is to maintain it longer.

It’s going to be busy today…

Da Jung nodded and listened attentively to the conversation. Their chatter shifted direction, touching on some drama news, then cosmetics, dogs, marriage, before returning to hospital talk.

“Oh, by the way, Nurse Yoon, don’t be shocked when you hear this. They say Kim Hye Jin’s baby ended up dying.”

Yu Mi said.

“What?”

Young Sook was surprised before Da Jung could even react. Da Jung couldn’t even bring herself to question it. Her mind went blank, as if a hot rock was pressing on her heart. Da Jung stared silently at her coffee cup.

“How did that happen? The NICU was handling it well.”

Someone said in a regretful voice.

“I know. Seems like breathing became really difficult at the end.”

“Oh dear.”

A hot drop fell into the cup with a plop. Ripples formed on the quiet surface. The ripples swelled inside the paper cup, soon becoming a great tidal wave that engulfed Da Jung.

“Oh my. Nurse Yoon. Are you crying? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Yu Mi tried to comfort Da Jung. Her voice sounded unreal, as if echoing underwater. Da Jung had tried not to dwell on it, but she had never forgotten Hae Sal Yi for a moment. Today was exactly the tenth day.

The tiny baby, whose face she had never seen, kept flailing endlessly in Da Jung’s heart. Da Jung wanted to hold its hand somehow, but there was no way.

“Hae Sal Yi… If only she had been born today, she would have lived.”

“…”

“I kept thinking that. She was 26 weeks and 4 days. They said it was a baby they got after waiting for 8 years. She was so close, wasn’t she? How could this happen?”

Da Jung let out a sigh-like voice thick with tears. She soon put down her cup and covered her eyes with both hands. Sorrow poured out. Yu Mi ran to get a box of tissues and came back.

“I’m sorry. I just mentioned it because it wasn’t something to hide. You were worried about it. Cry more and let it out. What can we do? It’s not something we can control.”

She hugged Da Jung and offered words of comfort.

Can crying really let it go?

Da Jung knew all too well that it couldn’t.

She had cried for months, tearing her heart out, but her elder brother didn’t come back to life, and the misfortune brought by his death engulfed her family like poisonous mushrooms. In the end, her father followed her brother by his own hand. Her mother couldn’t endure any longer and collapsed.

She had cried her heart out all along, but nothing changed. The sorrow only grew larger.

Yet she couldn’t stop the tears.

Does one have to let go of something for it to be tears? Da Jung cried sincerely for the 774g baby who couldn’t even have a funeral. Now that this had happened, this job was no longer happy.

She wanted to look at the birth of life with wonder, but reality was often not like that. Countless babies became stars in the night sky without hearing their parents’ cries.

The thought ‘I can’t bear it’ flashed in her mind. It seemed to warn her that this was the limit of her capacity. So now.

I should quit.

Da Jung felt her limit. It was ‘burnout’.

“Did you say resignation?”

Kyung Mi asked again with an expression as if she had heard aliens were invading. Da Jung silently nodded. Kyung Mi expressed her disapproval.

“No way. Where would you go?”

“Ma’am.”

“I’ll give you a vacation. No, a leave of absence. I’ll get it approved somehow. Just absolutely no resigning.”

It’s a decision made knowing that it’s not something that can be digested to that extent. Da Jung had no intention of backing down. The warmth of the babies, once like little birds, remained dry in her mind, consuming her heart. She sincerely, earnestly hoped not to see such babies anymore.

“…Let me go. Elder sister.”

She had never addressed Kyung Mi like this at work, but Da Jung crossed that line for the first time. It was an earnest plea to understand the magnitude of her sorrow. Doesn’t her elder sister know, that she can’t endure anymore?

“No. I said no. I know you, that’s why I can’t let you go. Da Jung. You need to work. Otherwise, you’ll fall apart.”

Kyung Mi shook her head.

“I’ll give you a month. Put everything down and go rest somewhere by the sea. I’m doing everything I can at my level.”

“No…”

“These days, many people do this ‘living in Jeju for a month’ thing, right? Go to the sea and rest for a month.”

“A month? Elder sister. You know that’s not possible.”

Da Jung objected, thinking of her mother lying in the hospital, but Kyung Mi cut her off again.

“I’ll take care of mom, so don’t worry. I’m practically mom’s daughter too. Leave it to your elder sister.”

Left speechless, Da Jung took a moment to catch her breath and organize her thoughts. Kyung Mi, as if not wanting to hear any more objections from Da Jung, deliberately picked up various charts busily, pretending to be busy. Da Jung looked at the tips of Kyung Mi’s fingers.

Swoosh.

The sound of waves on the beach she had heard long ago suddenly rushed into her ears.

When was it? There was a time when the whole family enjoyed a vacation by the sea. It was from a time when smiles lingered. Since then, life had been too busy for opportunities to see the sea.

Understanding Da Jung’s silence as agreement, Kyung Mi added more words.

“You like the sea, don’t you?”

Did she like it? She wasn’t sure if there was anything she liked. For now, she only thought of Lee Jae Ho. When her family fell on hard times, Da Jung forgot all small pleasures.

“Throw all your worries into the sea and come back.”

She had never spent time solely on letting go, doing nothing. Having never tried it, she doubted if it would work. Nevertheless, Da Jung suddenly thought that her heart was beating quite strongly.

Living by the sea for a month.

Is it possible?

Her mother in the nursing home, hospital bills and debts, hospital work. It was hard to imagine being free from all those things.

Kyung Mi quickly searched and showed her some information. She found cafes and blogs, shoving beautiful cyan-colored sea scenery in front of her. She kept adding exclamations about how beautiful the Jeju sea is.

“They rent out pensions by the month. You just need to go with yourself.”

“…”

“I’m not saying don’t resign. Go and see, and if it’s still hard, we’ll talk again then. If your will is still firm then, I’ll let you go.”

Kyung Mi held Da Jung’s hand. Countless words were conveyed through the warmth of her palm.

“I’m asking you. Da Jung. Okay?”

At this point, Da Jung couldn’t refuse anymore. A month was a sufficiently long time, and she knew well how big a favor Kyung Mi was granting.

She silently greeted Hae Sal Yi in her heart. Da Jung suddenly had a feeling that this time could become some kind of opportunity.

Suddenly looking out the window, she saw a deep sunset. It was autumn, with a chilly wind setting in.

“Then I’ll go and rest. I can’t go on like this. Elder sister.”

Finally, she accepted Kyung Mi’s proposal.

The sound of waves, swoosh, crashed and receded repeatedly in her ears.

One month.

What could she let go of and what could she fill?

As promised, Kyung Mi quickly got the leave of absence approved. There must have been quite complicated procedures, but it seemed she had wisely resolved them.

After work, Da Jung ate a convenience store lunch box and sat at her desk. She turned on her laptop to plan her vacation. A faint elation was felt. Somewhere in her heart, a warm light flickered like a lighthouse. It had been a long time since she felt this emotion.

When she searched for “Living in Jeju for a month” on the portal site, countless information poured out. She clicked the mouse.

“The sea…”

Swoosh. The waves crashed again.

On some day in her memory, four family members boldly entered the mudflat wearing boots and holding hoes. They dug for clams with the spirit of making not only clam kalguksu but also steamed clams, but there wasn’t much harvest.

In the end, they ate clam soup with added kalguksu noodles at a nearby restaurant, giving a thumbs up saying this is the taste of the sea.

Her father said that even if we had dug up a lot of clams, we would have thrown them all away anyway because it’s difficult to purge them, so eating out is more efficient.

Her elder brother retorted, asking why they even tried digging in the first place. Her mother said,

‘It’s for the memories.’

Da Jung pressed the backspace key and erased “Living in Jeju for a month”.

Jeju Island is a green and beautiful island, but it was far from the sea Da Jung remembered. Da Jung’s sea was mudflats and sunsets. Not emerald, but cloudy sky-colored, not surfing but clam digging. That kind of sea.

Let’s go to the West Sea. That beach from back then. To Taean where the family went together.

However, finding a whole house pension to rent for a month in Taean, where the culture of living for a month hasn’t settled, was quite difficult. Da Jung suffered through searching for several days.